I remember this one night when you and I were only 5.
It was my birthday and we went on a pony ride.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
And I remember when we were ten, we'd dress alike and say that we were twins.
We'd take lots of pictures in our matching dresses, and write crazy tales of our great adventures.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
It seems like just yesterday when we were 19, went on our first trip to New York City.
We ran through the streets in our dresses and heels, we were late for the play, but we were laughing all the way!
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
In the blink of an eye, I'm 21 and your 22, we're nearly done with school.
And here we are about to say goodbye, grab those diplomas and get on with our lives.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
Well, I hope one day when I'm 85, you'll be sittin playing bingo in the chair across from mine.
And we'll tell all the people at the nursing home that we've been friends forever, we've watched eachother grow...
From ballet class to Mary-Kate and Ash-ley.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From church musicals to Broadway shows.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From roller coaster rides to cross country flights.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From broken hearts to broken cars.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From kindergarten to college graduation.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
It's been nearly 20 years, and I look forward to 20, 40, 60 more of them.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I pick myself up off the ground to have you knock me back down.
Sometimes I hate being a nice person because I feel like it makes people feel obligated to be nice back. And you might think, umm, what is wrong with that? Well, it's not real. I feel like half the time people don't really care, but because i'm "so nice," they feel bad not being nice back to me. It just gets frustrating sometimes. Makes you think you have a lot more friends than you really have. Until they forget to call you one day to hangout or whatever it may be. Then you figure out how few real friends you do have.
I guess I am just very disappointed in people lately. I guess my whole life, I've been very disappointed in people. How sad. I mean, it's okay. I'm alright. Like I said, I do have real friends. I may have some crappy "friends," but the friends I do have are great! So I do feel blessed to have them, but I hate when you give certain people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to be better than they really are, and then, they disappoint you. It just sucks. It gets really old after 20 or so years.
I suppose I am learning to be at peace with the idea that I may never be popular or have this huge group of friends and get invited to hangout with people every weekend, etc, etc. I used to want all that pretty bad, and I think, slowly, over time, it has become less appealing. The older I get, the more I see that life isn't really about me, or other people, or me and other people. Hehe. I think God has been teaching me this summer to... get over it. People are going to let you down all the time, so stop putting so much hope in people. It kind of makes me sad that I have such a jaded view of relationships. I think it's just a process I have to go through though to remind me that I need God and that he is so much more loving and faithful than anyone in this world.
Psalm 36: 5
"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
I think what it boils down to is that, most of the time, I care too much what other people think of me. When things go well in my relationships, I feel happy. And then when they go badly, I get depressed. And I don't want people to have so much affect on me anymore because I believe that God and God alone can bring true, lasting joy. When we try to find it in other other places, we come up short. So, like I said earlier, I'm tired of being disappointed by people. But at the same time, if this is what it takes to make me run to God for joy, then I guess I'm alright with it.
"I have tried so hard to please every heart but yours.
I have fallen from that place I first beheld your face.
But your love and your grace is calling me back,
It's calling me back to the place I'm meant to be.
I live for you, I live for you, I live for you, my king.
I sing for you and only you, when no one's listening, I sing for you."
("For You," Jamie Jamgochian)
I guess I am just very disappointed in people lately. I guess my whole life, I've been very disappointed in people. How sad. I mean, it's okay. I'm alright. Like I said, I do have real friends. I may have some crappy "friends," but the friends I do have are great! So I do feel blessed to have them, but I hate when you give certain people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to be better than they really are, and then, they disappoint you. It just sucks. It gets really old after 20 or so years.
I suppose I am learning to be at peace with the idea that I may never be popular or have this huge group of friends and get invited to hangout with people every weekend, etc, etc. I used to want all that pretty bad, and I think, slowly, over time, it has become less appealing. The older I get, the more I see that life isn't really about me, or other people, or me and other people. Hehe. I think God has been teaching me this summer to... get over it. People are going to let you down all the time, so stop putting so much hope in people. It kind of makes me sad that I have such a jaded view of relationships. I think it's just a process I have to go through though to remind me that I need God and that he is so much more loving and faithful than anyone in this world.
Psalm 36: 5
"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
I think what it boils down to is that, most of the time, I care too much what other people think of me. When things go well in my relationships, I feel happy. And then when they go badly, I get depressed. And I don't want people to have so much affect on me anymore because I believe that God and God alone can bring true, lasting joy. When we try to find it in other other places, we come up short. So, like I said earlier, I'm tired of being disappointed by people. But at the same time, if this is what it takes to make me run to God for joy, then I guess I'm alright with it.
"I have tried so hard to please every heart but yours.
I have fallen from that place I first beheld your face.
But your love and your grace is calling me back,
It's calling me back to the place I'm meant to be.
I live for you, I live for you, I live for you, my king.
I sing for you and only you, when no one's listening, I sing for you."
("For You," Jamie Jamgochian)
Friday, July 31, 2009
it's only you & me
so, i found an old song i wrote last year. it sounds pretty emo, but i think it's bittersweet. and its hopeful. i think it describes our struggle in life to find meaning in everything but God. and in the end, at least in my experience, we find that nothing is ever enough. but its okay. it's not supposed to be. there is a peace i find in letting everything go and running into the arms of God. it's like nothing else in the world. so... don't take these words as some kind of emo, i want to die, kind of song. it's more like a reminder that this isn't as it good as it gets. there's something way better waiting for us beyond this life and sometimes, i just want to get there already!
chaos all around me
confusion in my head
sometimes i wish that i was dead....
then you would take me to that place
where peace pours out all around me
it makes me clean and new,
wipes away the red, erases all the blue.
and now its only me & you...
yes its only me & you.
so lets forget all of this,
lets just sit and let the light shine through.
lets forget all of this,
let me feel your love as it begins to sink into...
my callous heart.
chaos, chaos all around,
i want to scream, but i cant seem
to make a sound.
but can you hear my silent cry?
save me please,
oh God, i'm way too young to die.
lead me from the shadows of this dark, dark night.
please open up the blinds, wont you let in all the light?
i want to live, dont let me die
i know there's so much more to life
so let me be, and help me see
reveal to me whats beautiful and true
and remind me, its only me & you
whether i am here or there
i know that you're still everywhere
you're in my heart, nothing can tear us apart.
and if life is bitter or if its sweet,
i know that there is always room for you & me.
yes, its just you & me...
so lets forget all of this
lets just sit and soak up this new day
lets forget all of this, cause nothing really matters anyway.
its just me & you, today, tomorrow and always.
life is often misery,
and death is but a sweet release.
so take me to my resting place,
i long, i long for your embrace.
forever....
tell me, what on earth could possibly be better?
chaos all around me
confusion in my head
sometimes i wish that i was dead....
then you would take me to that place
where peace pours out all around me
it makes me clean and new,
wipes away the red, erases all the blue.
and now its only me & you...
yes its only me & you.
so lets forget all of this,
lets just sit and let the light shine through.
lets forget all of this,
let me feel your love as it begins to sink into...
my callous heart.
chaos, chaos all around,
i want to scream, but i cant seem
to make a sound.
but can you hear my silent cry?
save me please,
oh God, i'm way too young to die.
lead me from the shadows of this dark, dark night.
please open up the blinds, wont you let in all the light?
i want to live, dont let me die
i know there's so much more to life
so let me be, and help me see
reveal to me whats beautiful and true
and remind me, its only me & you
whether i am here or there
i know that you're still everywhere
you're in my heart, nothing can tear us apart.
and if life is bitter or if its sweet,
i know that there is always room for you & me.
yes, its just you & me...
so lets forget all of this
lets just sit and soak up this new day
lets forget all of this, cause nothing really matters anyway.
its just me & you, today, tomorrow and always.
life is often misery,
and death is but a sweet release.
so take me to my resting place,
i long, i long for your embrace.
forever....
tell me, what on earth could possibly be better?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Can I Have Your Attention, Please?
Yesterday, I went to an awards ceremony for the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters. They had a student broadcasting contest and I had placed 2 entries in it. One was a tv show pilot I wrote called "Outside the Box." The other was a tv show intro and scene excerpt I produced based on my script. Neither of them even placed.
Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.
And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.
As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.
Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.
After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.
And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.
And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.
To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.
I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.
"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")
For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.
But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.
"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48
Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.
And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.
As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.
Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.
After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.
And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.
And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.
To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.
I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.
"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")
For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.
But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.
"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
i'm broke and i am broken.
I’m worn and I’m so jaded.
I’ve worked so hard to make it.
And after all this waiting,
You are asking me for patience.
I’m broke and I am broken.
My plans all fall to pieces.
It’s not the money that I want,
It’s the opportunities it brings.
So forgive me,
If I start to get impatient,
If I act a little selfish,
If I seem a little faithless.
Can’t you see that I am weak?
But I feel like,
Someone ripped my heart out
And left me there to bleed.
What’s the point of living
A life without your dreams?
I am stripped and I’m defenseless
There is nothing I can do
I used to be on top
Now I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I just wanted to be different,
And I wanted to be great
And inside I guess I thought
Somehow I could control my fate
But I guess I was too selfish
And way too busy making plans.
Well, clearly, it is out of my hands.
And I just have to trust you.
I’ve worked so hard to make it.
And after all this waiting,
You are asking me for patience.
I’m broke and I am broken.
My plans all fall to pieces.
It’s not the money that I want,
It’s the opportunities it brings.
So forgive me,
If I start to get impatient,
If I act a little selfish,
If I seem a little faithless.
Can’t you see that I am weak?
But I feel like,
Someone ripped my heart out
And left me there to bleed.
What’s the point of living
A life without your dreams?
I am stripped and I’m defenseless
There is nothing I can do
I used to be on top
Now I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I just wanted to be different,
And I wanted to be great
And inside I guess I thought
Somehow I could control my fate
But I guess I was too selfish
And way too busy making plans.
Well, clearly, it is out of my hands.
And I just have to trust you.
Monday, March 30, 2009
not with my bloody head!
it is 2:4freaking2 am and i am not the least bit tired. this is really getting old.
what is wrong with me?!
i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.
i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.
when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.
well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.
i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.
on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.
oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.
what is wrong with me?!
i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.
i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.
when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.
well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.
i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.
on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.
oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
a cog in the machine
sometimes i hate the whole idea of a society. and class structures. you grow up in a certain society within a certain class system and they tell you have to be a certain way. they try to throw this crap at you about being an individual and having dreams and blah blah blah. but really, they only want you to be an individual if it fits their standards. and you can only follow your dreams if they fit into this tiny little box within their framework.
i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.
so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.
i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.
so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.
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