you can try to ignore valentines day, but it will still leave you alone

Walking around, head in my hands
Wish on a star and breathe if I can
Because I’m choking on lies
You told me enough

But I’d take them some more
If you’d walk back through the door
Cause I miss you love

And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love

Multi-colored dreams are all that I have
Because my reality is enough to make a girl go mad
I keep on telling myself
I’m gonna rise above

But this thorny crown
Well it’s weighing me down
I miss you love

I was your princess for so long
But it all went wrong
I miss you love

My eyes bear the weight of your smile
I’d just love to hear you talk for awhile
And take me back in those familiar arms
Without the unnecessary charms

Baby I think we could get it all back
Even make up all that it lacked
Just tell me I’m your girl
And that you’re still in love

Because you made me complete
From my head down to my feet
I miss you love
And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love

(Miss You Love- Jessica Harp)

90's child

so... i did absolutely nothing productive tonight. i had a lot of homework and studying that i should have done. but instead, me and my roommate rented this movie called "wish upon a star."

it was a lovely little blast from the past because this movie, made in 1996, used to air quite often on the disney channel and i remember watching it all the time! haha.

so, we watch the movie, and then we get started talking about the music in the movie, and next thing i know, i'm looking up the artists and i'm making my latest mix cd: the old school mix 2 (the best of the 90's).

well, i am one of those people that takes the task of making a mixed cd very seriously. if you're not going to make it good, why make it at all?! that is my personal opinion. plus, i believe mix making is an art... it requires creativity and balance, and i'm not trying to brag, but i think i'm pretty good at it. and i spend a lot of time on it.

so ya. i spent like 4 hours making this new cd. and i am quite proud of it! its got some really good music, but most of it is very 90's. it takes me back to the old gymnastics days.... i used to listen to the radio 4 hours a day at practice when i was in elementary so i knew all the hits. haha. probably more than i do know.

anyways, if you want to check out my playlist, hop on over to my infinite playlist blog and it will be posted for all to see!

Memory.... it's a cruel, cruel thing.

Life is funny....

The way that we fall... The wounds we receive along the way...
And how they seem so terrible at the time, but are soon forgotten as time passes us by.

Then it's funny how random little things make us remember them.

I was washing my face tonight and as I was looking in the mirror, I noticed this scar at the top of my forehead, a scar that I've forgotten about for so many years. And suddenly I was replaying the memory in my head- I was in elementary and I was playing outside with my friends at the courtyard at our church. This girl was pulling me in a wheelbarrow and she was running really fast. But suddenly, for some reason, she decided to let go of the handle and it swung back and hit me right in the head. I remember seeing my mom walk outside to pick me up right as this was happening, and I remember being excited to see her, but in an instant, all my joy was replaced with fear and horror as blood gushed down my head.

What a vivid memory. And yet I had forgotten about this moment for 5, 6, 7 years....

That, of course, is an example of a physical wound, but so many times we receive deep emotional pain that scars us for years. And as time goes by, we heal. But its strange how you could have moved on from a past relationship or something along those lines, but then you run into the guy somewhere, or you see a movie with a guy that looks a lot like him, and suddenly you remember the pain like it happened just yesterday.

Memories are kind of a cruel thing sometimes. As much as you want to forget certain things, you just never will. And while there are some memories that are wonderful and full of joy, memories that we would all love to hold onto forever, there are also some very dark, painful memories that never go away.

And as I sit here typing this, I'm asking myself what you might be wondering as well, "What are you getting at?" Haha, you know.... I'm not quite sure. This is all just a thought that popped into my head twenty minutes ago when I saw that scar on my head.

But, you know, the more I think about, the more I am thankful for the incredible gift of memory. Even though it often brings a recollection of pain, it also brings deep joy and peace and love, and it brings insight, which is perhaps the greatest quality. It teaches us powerful lessons and helps us grow..... pretty sweet if you ask me.

i feel like, i would like, to be somewhere else doing something that matters

Wow. I look like a huge dork, don't I?!

Well, at the time, I didn't care. Because I was so excited about my future that nothing else really mattered. I took these pictures right after I found out I got accepted to the LA Film Studies Center in fall 2007. I was so excited because I felt like I was about to take off on this this crazy adventure full of excitement and purpose. It was a great feeling, and it turned out to be just that- one of the most exciting experiences of my life.

And I miss it. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but life has not been very good to me since I've been back. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm in a very good place lately. And mostly, that's because I feel like I have no purpose here. Each day just feels like this monotonous cycle of meaningless tasks. I'm so sick of it.

The sad thing is that I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do to get out of this rut I'm in. It's not that simple. I want to do what God wants me to do but I also want to do something compelling and interesting.... something that I'm passionate about and I can't seem to figure out how those things go together. Maybe I just need to find more passion...... or love God more.... I don't know. All I know is I'm tired of this phase of my life. I know I was made for much more than this but I just don't know what that means. But I really hope I figure it out soon because all this nothingness is sucking the life out of me.

I want to get that incredible feeling of excitement back. I want to feel free to make crazy faces and do ridiculous things just because I'm so glad to be alive.

i'm a long shot, baby. that's all.

ohhh my gosh. i am so exhausted, i dont know why i'm still up! i must be crazy, but i couldn't resist the urge to write a ten random facts blog about myself! haha... okay. i am crazy. but this is my wind-down for the night. after i finish, i'll go to sleep, i promise!

TEN RANDOM FACTS OF THE DAY! (January 23, 2009)

1. I locked my keys in the car today for the first time in like... 4 years! I had a good run...

2. I had a huge chemistry test today... it is not one of my many talents, so let's hope i passed!

3. For dinner, or lupper perhaps- since it was at 4:30, I ate a sandwich from this awesome place called Jersey Mike's! It was delish.

4. I'm currently listening to "Gavin's Song" by Marc Broussard. And I think I am in love... with his voice. It is so.... I can't even think of a word good enough to describe how great it is. It's so soothing.

5. I may be a fantasy dork, but I am kind of obsessed with this new show I discovered last weekend. It's called Legend of the Seeker. It's like.... Lord of the Rings meets Harry Potter meets Robin Hood meets Twilight. It's fantastic. And the lead guy in it... gorgeous. Craig Horner. IMDB him! Haha.

6. The subject line of this blog is a quote from the song "Heaven Knows(I'm a Long Shot)" by one of my favorite bands- Enation. It's a really great song and it really describes the way I feel lately...

7. The sole of my right work shoe is dangerously close to coming off. It's been like that for awhile now and for some reason, I keep forgetting to buy some new shoes. Today I attempted to glue it back together... with that silly washable gel glue that you use back in 1st grade art class. That's all I could find! Haha. And it didn't work. At all...

8. In my chemistry lab today, my prof gave us a syringe of some gas and he was like, "be really careful with this, okay?" And so we start doing our experiment and sure enough, it only took us a minute or two to release the toxic gases into the air. It was kind of funny though. Everyone was like, "Oh no, my head hurts! It must be from the gases I enhaled!" and I'm like, "Ooo ya.. my teeth kind of hurt. It must be the gas!" its just funny how people freak out about stuff.

9. One year ago, I was living in Los Angeles. I was probably down in Santa Monica or perhaps cruisin down hollywood blvd. I probably had just started my internship about this time a year ago. that makes me really sad.

10. I am not very thrilled about the current state of my life, school plus dead-end job.... not every little's dream. in fact, i think work is sucking the life out of me and taking away all my dreams in the process. But I'm just trying to stay joyful.

two thousand WHAT?

wow. another year has gone by already? so weird. i am getting so old, i feel like such an old lady sometimes. an old lady that stays up till 3am and has dance parties with her friends. hahaha.

so.... new years eve. as usual, it was... interesting. i am usually working or snowed in with the family in colorado or something like that, but this year i was home and completely available so i was forced to come up with some actual plans. shoot. what am i going to do with myself, i wondered.

well, i kept coming up with ideas and they all kept falling through. that always seems to happen to me, its really frustrating, but oh well, that's life.

i decided to stop trying to make big, exciting plans for new years eve and instead to just hangout with my dear friend sarah. so that is what i did!

we didn't do anything super exciting, but i had fun! we went to this old people party and had dinner, played a little trivial pursuit. it made us feel like ignorant fools, but hey, thats always fun, right? "what is the capital of Tunisia? i dont know... i've never heard of it!" great way to begin a new year. ha.

so... we went back to sarah's around 930 and ate snacks and listened to old records on her freakin cool record player! it was great! we had a dance party to the beatles, simon & garfunkle and cat stephens. it was fantastic.

i decided to be a party-pooper and head home around 1130 since i have to work in the morning... or in a few hours. haha. but ya, i was going to try to go to bed early. it was worth a shot, even if i failed miserably.

anyways, i was in my car driving home when the clock struck 2009. i believe i was belting out "City" by Sara Bareilles right around midnight. its a good song. a little sad though. not sure what that means. hopefully it doesnt mean this is going to be a sad year. i am all for the happiness in my life.

well, 2008 was a little bit of a roller coaster... i'm hoping that 2009 will be full of excitement and adventure and joy and hope and accomplishment. Dear God, give me a purpose this year and make me strong enough to fulfill it.

the end. or.... the beginning.

in the city of angels...

so, i've been in LA for the past two weeks.

i got offered a PA position on some short films, and free airfare out here, so i couldn't turn it down. i thought it would be a pretty sweet trip and i opted to stay for two weeks instead of just one, so i'd have more time to chill here in the city of angels... little did i know i would have SO MUCH "chill" time.

i know alot of people in the LA area so i figured i could find a few different places to crash at over the two weeks, but "staying with friends" and "finding rides" turned out to be alot trickier than i anticipated! it was very stressful at times, and i will never do it again. i HATE the feeling of having no control over my life and that is exactly how i've felt this whole time. its been terrible. luckily, several of my friends really came through for me and gave me lots of rides and a place on their couch, etc...

so, on to more interesting things.

the short films i PAed on were filmed at the Culver Studios, which are owned by Sony, in Culver City which is fairly close to Santa Monica.

When i first got on set, i was completely clueless. i felt like i looked COMPLETELY out of place. it was so weird. but once i got comfortable, it was really cool to get to see how everything works. to be honest, i dont feel like i did alot on set during the shoot. mostly i would get people water, or deliver messages, go on starbucks runs, make copies and faxes, and.... then of course, there were the hours of watching them shoot as i stood there feeling lazy and useless...

but even though i felt totally dispensable on set, i'm glad i got the chance to PA. it was a really great experience, i learned alot, and got to meet a lot of cool people.

there were some interesting things being shot at Culver Studios right next to us. Fast and Furious, yes, the 4th one haha, was being shot in the stage right next to us. apparently most of the original cast is back for this one, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, but i didn't see any of them. i did, however, see Tom Cruise standing outside of one of the stages while he was on the lot shooting his new WWII movie, Valkyrie. he plays a jewish man pretending to be a nazi to assassinate Hitler. basically, people are not too sure how good its going to be. but ya, Tom had these funny curls. they didn't look quite right...

well, apart from PAing on set, i didn't end of doing a whole here in LA. i worked at the LA film festival for a day. i helped at this filmmakers reception which i thought would be kind of exciting, but it turns out it.... wasnt. at all. but oh well.

i spent several days sitting around my friends places doing nothing all day long cause i didnt have a way to get anywhere. that was cool..... it kind of sucks to be in a city with so many things to do and have no way to do them! it got to a point where i was like, "i just wanna go home! this isnt worth it anymore!"

luckily, things got a little more exciting there at the end. today was my last day here in LA and it was really fun! a bunch of us went over to my friend Sarah's and we cooked some stuff on the grill and just hung out and talked and then watched fireworks. the fireworks were kind of lame and really short, but i didnt really care.

after that, me and my pal, Bart, drove to west hollywood to see one of favorite bands, Enation, play a show. we were a little late and missed part of their set, but it was still cool. what was even cooler was that Bethany Joy Galeotti, one of my favorite actresses and singers, was there because her husband is the keyboard player for Enation. it wasn't a real big club, so i walked right in and went up to the front and ended up standing right next to her for like 20 minutes. i felt sort of like a creeper, but despite the fact that i was occassionally watching her out of the corner of my eye haha, i really was just up close enjoying one of my favorite bands play.

after the band finished, i introduced myself to her and told her i was a fan, and then asked for a picture. i was quite as smooth as i'm making myself sound though. haha. i felt like an idiot. for one, i hate saying i'm a fan and asking for pictures with celebrities. i feel like i'm way too old for this. and i feel like i'm annoying them, but at the same time, i would like to think that my approach is alot less obnoxious than most fans.

after living in LA last semester and seeing quite a few celebrities, i gradually began to realize that you dont just walk up to every one you see and ask for a picture or an autograph. they would probably go crazy if everyone treated them like that. they're just people trying to live a [fairly] normal life and they deserve to be left alone. its almost like celebrity etiquette. although having crazy fans is just something that comes with being famous, i feel like there is a time and a place for that and with all the celebrities living in LA, most of the time you see one, its not the time for that.

anyways, thats my personal view on the matter, so i try not to bother people whenever i see them out and about, but every once in awhile, i see somebody i'm a really big fan of, and i cant help myself. but in those situations, i try as hard as i can to be brief and to the point and respectful of their privacy.

i hope thats how i was with Bethany Joy tonight. i could have easily been very obnoxious because i stood right next to her for awhile, but i didn't want to be like that, because she seemed to be really enjoying the show and seeing her husband play and i felt like it would have been rude to interrupt that.

anyways, i was a little star struck. it really is weird to see people on your tv or hear them on the radio or whatever and then see them in person. its kind of surreal. its exciting but at the same time, its like, "hello. they're just people like everyone else." and you shrug it off because seeing a ton of famous people doesnt really make you feel any different in the long run.

well, overall, i had a good time in LA. there were some bumps along the road, but i'm thankful for the opportunity to get away and to relax and to learn more about filmmaking and to catch up with good friends!