my happy medium

well, i am happy to say that, although my life is still stressful, it has calmed down a bit since monday and i have traded in my screamo for something a bit more upbeat....... the lovely and oh so talented it makes me want to cry Kelly Clarkson! wooooot wooot. i love her. haha. one my life's goals is to become bff's with her. you just wait... it will happen. haha.

anyways, i am not going to lie, i LOVE her new video!

WATCH IT!

i have watched it 3x in the last 24 hours. is that a bit much? maybe. but i'm thinking that 3x in 24 hours falls somewhere between being a fan and being obsessed, its a happy medium, so i'm okay with it. cause it's just so cute. it brings joy to my heart. after a few years of angry, depressed kelly, it is nice to see her happy and smiling again.

i will admit, when i first heard her new single, i was not a huge fan. but somehow it grew on me, and then yesterday i discovered the video to it and now i'm like, "AHHH, i love it, i freakin love it!" plus, being a person who has MADE music a music video, i am very critical of most videos i see because 99% of the time, they have nothing to do with the song. they're like, "hey, i know my song is about love and friendship but i think for my video i'll just put on some hoochie clothes and dance on top of a car in the middle of the rainforest." haha. that maybe be exaggerated, but seriously! they're ridiculous!

anyways, this song may be a little silly, but at least the video went along with the story of it. i was pleased. and like i said, it was fun and cute and it gave me those warm fuzzies that i rarely get with music videos anymore. so..... 1o points for kelly and her production team.

and now... i am off to go watch her video again.
haha. jk.

caught up in the system

so, i'm not off to a good start this week.

i already had to break out the screamo music to vent to as i drove away from campus for lunch.

"It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut
Caught up in this system, put down as another victim
My fingernails are fading away, and my hair is looking lazy
And that’s okay, yeah, but I think I may go crazy
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, all alone
Here I go again –go- I lie awake in my car at the park
It’s half past three and I can’t sleep
Looking up at the stars
Looking up at the dark
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, and all alone
My stereo turns on, trying to ignore you, but I still hear your voice
Everything will be ok, you say
Everything’s going to change, you say
You’re not crazy
It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut"
("At the Park" - Subseven)

so thats how i feel today. just another victim. i just feel like i'm being forced to live my life a certain way right now, to go against my instincts and my desires and conform to "the system" of our society. its making me crazy. but soon i will be free from all of this and free to live the life i want to live. but not soon enough......

so, i almost stepped on a squirrel today.

i was walking down the sidewalk on campus and suddenly i'm forced to stop in midstep as i see a squirrel standing on the sidewalk right in front of me. i've always known the squirrels on campus were very uninhibited but man! you'd think a squirrel would run away if a person was less than a foot away and about to step on it, but no! this squirrel just stood there, munching away at some food on the sidewalk. haha. whatever little man, its your life!

i am now about to engage in hours of video editing. if i dont shoot myself first. i think i am going to get out a calendar and literally countdown the exact number of days until i graduate and "electronic media production" no longer rules my life! i will be happy if i never have to touch another video camera or editing program again........

diary of an insomniac

so, its been awhile since i've done a post about my late night insomoniacal (haha definitely not a word) behavior, my lack of sleep and the possible health issues that might be the answer to this strange mystery.

what do you think is the grammatically correct word for insomniacal? i can't find any matches in merriam-websters dictionary. but i'm declaring it a word. it is a word in kristin's dictionary.
insomniacal- (adv) one who behaves like an insomniac.

speaking of words and dictionaries and letters, this reminds me of a funny story. the story of the one of the best pick up lines i have ever received..... this is what this guy said to me while we were working one day:

"In my alphabet, K is the first letter!"

Ha! how great is that one? very creative. i have to hand it to him.

well shoot. i was hoping i'd be tired after all this typing. those keyboards, they will wear you out.
but no! i'm not tired yet.

so, my roommate tells me i had a sneezing attack last night around 1 am.
haha. really? really really? i sure dont remember that i told her. you see, i have been known to have sneezing attacks in the past, but only when i have been changing my nose ring and it gets turned around the wrong direction and makes me sneeze. but i know i didn't change my nose ring last night. and you'd think you'd remember it if you had a sneezing attack in your sleep. but i dont know... do you think its possible to sleep through a sneezing attack? pretty unlikely if you're a light sleeper like myself. but i guess you never know.

in other news, we talked about the movie Gone Baby Gone in my media ethics class today and it reminded me of how much i freakin love that movie! if you havent seen it, go rent it. but dont expect a lollipops and gumdrops kind of movie, cause it's not, but it is excellent. one of my favorite films ever.

Goooooooood stuff.

i wonder if anybody is actually going to read this blog. sometimes i want to put something ridiculous on here like, "i have a confession, i am a hermaphrodite and i was born with a third arm growing out of my hip which i had surgically removed as a baby" just to see if anyone is paying attention. hahaha. it's not true. i swear. i am totally normal. no extra parts here. okay eww. i'm grossing myself out now.

man its late. i will probaby regret saying all this tomorrow and remove this post. 50 bucks to me if i remove this post tomorrow when i've (hopefully) gotten some sleep and come to my senses.


well...... on a serious note, i have been making plans lately. plans to move to the city of angels, or the city of demons as my father would like to call it. thats right, i will be moving to LA several months after i graduate from this hell hole that they often call college. i think this might be my busiest and most stressful semester yet. i have SO SO many things to do and zero motivation. zeeeeeeeero. this is just a means to an end for me because i dont plan on going into the field that i am majoring in. smart, huh? well, i can't live a life that i'm not passionate about. i refuse.

anyways, i am very restless and apathetic lately. but at the same time, these next few months will be the last time i get to see a lot of my friends for..... who knows how long, not to mention my beloved family. as much as i am going to LOVE living in LA, i am going to miss my family, especially my mom, like crazy. i dont know how i'm going to do it. but i really want to enjoy my time with them before i dont get to see them for months on end. but its so hard. i soooo want to be done with school. i will be happy when summer gets here and i get the best of both worlds- no school and time with friends and family. YAY. Here i am with my mother. isn't she cute and funny? haha i know, i know. that's where i get it.


well, i'm getting slightly tired. praise the Lord.

i want to change the world, instead, i sleep...

i just spent the last 30 minutes crying my eyes out as i watched a walk to remember.

haha. seriously! it used to be my favorite movie back in highschool and i hadn't watched it in years, but it seems to get my every time. i think i cry at different parts every time i watch it though, which is interesting, but i guess it impacts me in different ways every time i see it.

its a little cheesy in some parts, i know that, but i still think its an incredible story. and while there are many ways in which i dont want to be like the character of jamie in the story, there are alot of ways in which i'd love to be like her! i wish i were as strong a person as she was. to not care what people thought of me. to be bold about my faith. and to change people's as i inspire the greatness in them. i hope that one day i can be that kind of person.

there is a great song by ingrid michaelson that always gets me.
"a storm is coming, but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...

i want to change the world, instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do i keep breathing now...."

somedays i look at my life and i think, wow, i am such a mess.
i dont know how i am ever going to make a difference.
but i have faith that God can use me in much greater ways than i could ever imagine.

as jamie says in a walk to remember, "maybe God had a bigger plan for me than i had for myself."

Tunnel Vision

Ohhhhhhh California. I miss you so!

I think maybe I think too much.

The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine and we were discussing our future and our goals and dreams and about how we want to change the world but don't know how and blah de blah... and suddenly it occurred to me,
"Am I over thinking this?!" So I aksed my friend if she thought we thought too much and she said she'd rather think too much than too little. I think that sounds like a good plan.

So I've just been continuing in my endless quest for deep thought. It seems to be what I do best. And I have been doing a lot of it lately. I seem to have a lot of things on my mind these days- a lot of really important things because this is a really important time in my life. I'm about to make some serious decisions about my future and I want to make sure they are well thought out!

Here are some reoccurring thoughts of mine:

1) I don't belong here. "Here" meaning a lot of things: Oklahoma. OBU. The theater. This earth....

For years I've felt that I was made for something different, somewhere different, but I had no idea where. I've finally found that place, but I can't be there yet and it kills me. I'm stuck here for now and I'm trying to make the most of it, but my heart belongs somewhere else and everyday I wish I could be there instead. Somedays I'm just sick of it all and I think I'd rather die and go to heaven than put up with this meaninglessness any longer.

2) Going to LA last year might have been my best AND worst idea ever!

For so many years of my life, I felt like I was walking around aimlessly, without any real purpose or destiny. I felt like I was just.... there. But what's the point of being somewhere if you're not doing anything? And what's the point of doing something if your heart isn't in it?

Well, when I went to LA, it's as if something inside of me snapped into place. Finally I realized where I was supposed to be, and it was the last place I expected. I feel like I was taught growing up that if you want to follow God, there are only certain things you should do with your life. There is a box that you must not step outside of, or especially dream about stepping outside of. Well, coming to LA, I learned that God has no boxes. Hello! Of all people to have limitations, why would God? And although many Christians seem to view Hollywood as some kind of danger zone that's off limits to all of us "righteous" people, I believe quite the opposite. I may agree in some respects that much of Hollywood is full of people who are very lost, but if this is true, then why on earth would we stay away from these people? That's the stupidest idea ever. Honestly, I believe that Hollywood needs people who are real and who have integrity and if anyone is going to get through to them, it is going to be with love. And I believe that is my calling. That is the only thing I know. But it's a start.

Well, when I discovered all of this last year, I felt like someone had finally woken me up. Woken me up to this incredible calling, one full of excitement and adventure and many ups and downs I'm sure, but with so many rewards. Discovering this God-given destiny for my life was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever encountered. I felt like someone set my soul on fire. It was great.

But when I had to come home, things started to go downhill. I tried to tell myself to be happy and to enjoy being with my family and friends again, but it was still hard. I felt like someone snatched all my dreams away from me. Like the kid in the cafeteria who got his lunch money stolen on pizza and popsicle day. It was devastating!

And now I've been home for almost a year and every day my dream and my "destiny" fade further and further away. I think I've become very jaded because I feel like I have no purpose here and I can't wait to get back out to LA, and yet, I don't even know how soon that will be. I'm stuck here, living in small town Oklahoma, going to a school I don't like, taking really difficult classes that I hate, learning material I'm not going to use, working a dead-end job that sucks the life out of me.

So, going to LA last year might have been the worst idea because it woke me up to the possibility of this incredible life I've always dreamed of, only to abruptly thrust me back into this monotonous reality, a life of sleepwalking. It showed me what I was capable of and then took away my ability to try.

3) The other thought that keeps flowing through my mind is "how can I ever make a difference?"

I was raised in church and taught from a young age that there is a God who loves me, died for me, and wants to save me. Once I understood my need for him, and accepted him into my heart, I was taught that my purpose in life is to share God's love with others.

Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong.

This has been the most difficult thing in the world. I believe in God with all my heart and truly believe that he has changed my life, so why is it so difficult to tell people about that? I don't know.

But if I do believe that God has changed me then I think that my words shouldn't be all that necessary but rather my actions. People should be able to see something different in me- some sort of love and grace and humility and honesty and faithfulness- but do they?

My biggest fear is that I will never be any different than the rest of the world. Sadly, I think that so many Christians take this idea way too far and turn it into some ridiculous excuse to condemn other people for their "sin."
That is the last thing in the world I want to do and I think being known for hating others is the completely opposite of what Christ wanted to be known for.

So, it is my life's goal to learn how to love people the way Christ loved us. And to love in a way that makes people notice a difference in me and wonder what on earth could compel me to do the things I do. They may call me crazy, but I'd rather be ridiculed for living a worthy life than fit into a world of selfishness and vanity and pride.

Now the question is, how do I combine these things? How do I work in Hollywood and be different? Is it even possible to make a difference there? And if it is, am I capable of doing it? I'll never know until I try....

the strangest dream i've had in weeks

so, i had this really bizarre but hilarious dream last night (melissa, i thought you'd appreciate this).

i'm in this big warehouse, and there are about 50 of us.... "prisoners" being put to work there.

in the middle of the room is a huge, oval shaped contraption. i'm not sure what to call it or how exactly to describe it. it was like those baggage claim conveyor belt things at the airport that spin around, except that this machine was taller and had spinning stoves on top of it.

on top of each stove was a skillet and as the machine would spin around, the other prisoners and i would run around it, all the while, rushing to make and flip pancakes on the spinning stoves.

but these werent just regular old pancakes. these were coca-cola pancakes!

haha, now, before you go dismissing this dream as some kind of strange fantasy in the world of a coke-addict, let me explain to you the anxiety and disgust behind this coke-cake making!

i dont know why we were being held prisoner or why on earth they thought the proper punishment for us would be to make us run in circles making pancakes with coke poured all over them, but this was definitely a punishment! it was not appealing in any way, but was more like some strange torture device.

well, i dont remember much more about this strange dream, but i remember being scared because i kept getting yelled at to flip my coke-cakes. maybe i was burning them. i dont know. haha. but it was a pretty frightening ordeal!

i think it would be really funny to find one of those dream interpreters and have them tell me what this dream means. i dont know how anyone could ever turn such a crazy, random dream into something insightful but it sure would be interesting to see what they'd come up with! haha.