Can I Have Your Attention, Please?

Yesterday, I went to an awards ceremony for the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters. They had a student broadcasting contest and I had placed 2 entries in it. One was a tv show pilot I wrote called "Outside the Box." The other was a tv show intro and scene excerpt I produced based on my script. Neither of them even placed.

Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.

And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.

As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.

Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.

After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.

And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.

And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.

To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.

I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")

For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.

But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.

"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48

i'm broke and i am broken.

I’m worn and I’m so jaded.
I’ve worked so hard to make it.
And after all this waiting,
You are asking me for patience.

I’m broke and I am broken.
My plans all fall to pieces.
It’s not the money that I want,
It’s the opportunities it brings.

So forgive me,
If I start to get impatient,
If I act a little selfish,
If I seem a little faithless.
Can’t you see that I am weak?

But I feel like,
Someone ripped my heart out
And left me there to bleed.
What’s the point of living
A life without your dreams?

I am stripped and I’m defenseless
There is nothing I can do
I used to be on top
Now I’ve got nothing left to lose.

I just wanted to be different,
And I wanted to be great
And inside I guess I thought
Somehow I could control my fate
But I guess I was too selfish
And way too busy making plans.
Well, clearly, it is out of my hands.

And I just have to trust you.

not with my bloody head!

it is 2:4freaking2 am and i am not the least bit tired. this is really getting old.

what is wrong with me?!

i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.

i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.

when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.

well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.



















i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.

on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.

oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.

a cog in the machine

sometimes i hate the whole idea of a society. and class structures. you grow up in a certain society within a certain class system and they tell you have to be a certain way. they try to throw this crap at you about being an individual and having dreams and blah blah blah. but really, they only want you to be an individual if it fits their standards. and you can only follow your dreams if they fit into this tiny little box within their framework.

i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.

so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.

broken glass

i finally see the light
at the end of this tunnel
but it feels a million miles away
i dont think i have the strength

and it's hard to keep moving
when you're walking
over broken glass
so i'm looking up to heaven
and i'm praying
that this too will pass.


63 DAYS TILL GRADUATION!

don't ask me how i'm doing if you dont wanna know....

so, do you you ever get the feeling, when someone asks you how you're doing or whats going on in your life, that they really dont really care? that they're only being polite and they're probably not even listening to a word you're saying?

these phrases seem to be fillers for awkward silences and long pauses, but sometimes i feel like everyone is just going through the motions of conversation, when quite often, they could care less.

maybe i am just being emo, i dont know. honestly, i'm not upset or offended or anything, but i think it is a little sad and also a little convicting. i'll be the first to admit i've done this before. are we all just too wrapped up in our own lives to pay that much attention to anyone else's?

and this brings me to another question.... if we actually are taking the time to listen to other people are we trying to understand them as well?

today one of my friends asked me what was new in my life and i just shrugged and said, "oh... nothing, really."
well, i guess that's not true. there is actually quite a bit going on in my life, but i have learned from experience that not a lot of people support my decisions or understand my motivations for making them and i find it very discouraging. so i've learned to keep certain areas of my life from people, because i don't think they'll understand.....

maybe i should give them a chance, but maybe i dont have the energy or the confidence to take any more crap from anyone. there are plenty of reasons to doubt in this life, and plenty of chances to give up. i dont need any one else to question me, i need people to believe in me, to have a little faith in.... my faith. i would never do anything i didn't feel like God was calling me to do. if only other people could accept that.

well, i'm not sure what i'm getting at. maybe i'm just venting, or maybe i'm trying to teach us all a lesson here, myself included. sometimes i'm just overwhelmed by people's self-centeredness and inability to open their eyes and change their point of view. i know, it's scary what you might find out, but it's also scary what, or who, you might lose if you keep your eyes shut so tightly all the time.

Reassurance.

i feel so small, standing here beside you.
you've got a brilliance that shines out through the core of you.
but me, my chances are pretty slim.
i haven't got a lot to give; i'm insignificant at best.
but you've inspired me to be brave and take a chance.

i can see, you are destined to be great.
it's written all over your face.
and i've got nothing but to wake up every day
and try so hard to erase, the doubts inside my mind
i'm trying desperately to find the reassurance that i need.
can you see something good in me?

how could you ever understand the weight of all these challenges?
my failures, inexperience and inability, simply to be you....
oh the things that i would do.
and not that i would want to be, anybody else but me,
but you've got to understand
what i would give
to have the cards you hold in my hands.

and i feel, so very intimidated.
i was afraid to even face you.
but i thought i saw a mercy in your eyes...
a kindness in your smile.

so i'm standing here beside you,
and i'm asking you to guide me
through the mess of all my aimlessness
and the fear i hold inside me.
cause in my heart, i have a dream,
and i think that all i need
is somebody like you to just believe
so I pray to God you'll see
something good in me.