I pick myself up off the ground to have you knock me back down.

Sometimes I hate being a nice person because I feel like it makes people feel obligated to be nice back. And you might think, umm, what is wrong with that? Well, it's not real. I feel like half the time people don't really care, but because i'm "so nice," they feel bad not being nice back to me. It just gets frustrating sometimes. Makes you think you have a lot more friends than you really have. Until they forget to call you one day to hangout or whatever it may be. Then you figure out how few real friends you do have.

I guess I am just very disappointed in people lately. I guess my whole life, I've been very disappointed in people. How sad. I mean, it's okay. I'm alright. Like I said, I do have real friends. I may have some crappy "friends," but the friends I do have are great! So I do feel blessed to have them, but I hate when you give certain people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to be better than they really are, and then, they disappoint you. It just sucks. It gets really old after 20 or so years.

I suppose I am learning to be at peace with the idea that I may never be popular or have this huge group of friends and get invited to hangout with people every weekend, etc, etc. I used to want all that pretty bad, and I think, slowly, over time, it has become less appealing. The older I get, the more I see that life isn't really about me, or other people, or me and other people. Hehe. I think God has been teaching me this summer to... get over it. People are going to let you down all the time, so stop putting so much hope in people. It kind of makes me sad that I have such a jaded view of relationships. I think it's just a process I have to go through though to remind me that I need God and that he is so much more loving and faithful than anyone in this world.

Psalm 36: 5
"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

I think what it boils down to is that, most of the time, I care too much what other people think of me. When things go well in my relationships, I feel happy. And then when they go badly, I get depressed. And I don't want people to have so much affect on me anymore because I believe that God and God alone can bring true, lasting joy. When we try to find it in other other places, we come up short. So, like I said earlier, I'm tired of being disappointed by people. But at the same time, if this is what it takes to make me run to God for joy, then I guess I'm alright with it.

"I have tried so hard to please every heart but yours.
I have fallen from that place I first beheld your face.
But your love and your grace is calling me back,
It's calling me back to the place I'm meant to be.

I live for you, I live for you, I live for you, my king.
I sing for you and only you, when no one's listening, I sing for you."
("For You," Jamie Jamgochian)