not with my bloody head!

it is 2:4freaking2 am and i am not the least bit tired. this is really getting old.

what is wrong with me?!

i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.

i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.

when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.

well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.



















i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.

on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.

oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.

a cog in the machine

sometimes i hate the whole idea of a society. and class structures. you grow up in a certain society within a certain class system and they tell you have to be a certain way. they try to throw this crap at you about being an individual and having dreams and blah blah blah. but really, they only want you to be an individual if it fits their standards. and you can only follow your dreams if they fit into this tiny little box within their framework.

i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.

so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.

broken glass

i finally see the light
at the end of this tunnel
but it feels a million miles away
i dont think i have the strength

and it's hard to keep moving
when you're walking
over broken glass
so i'm looking up to heaven
and i'm praying
that this too will pass.


63 DAYS TILL GRADUATION!

don't ask me how i'm doing if you dont wanna know....

so, do you you ever get the feeling, when someone asks you how you're doing or whats going on in your life, that they really dont really care? that they're only being polite and they're probably not even listening to a word you're saying?

these phrases seem to be fillers for awkward silences and long pauses, but sometimes i feel like everyone is just going through the motions of conversation, when quite often, they could care less.

maybe i am just being emo, i dont know. honestly, i'm not upset or offended or anything, but i think it is a little sad and also a little convicting. i'll be the first to admit i've done this before. are we all just too wrapped up in our own lives to pay that much attention to anyone else's?

and this brings me to another question.... if we actually are taking the time to listen to other people are we trying to understand them as well?

today one of my friends asked me what was new in my life and i just shrugged and said, "oh... nothing, really."
well, i guess that's not true. there is actually quite a bit going on in my life, but i have learned from experience that not a lot of people support my decisions or understand my motivations for making them and i find it very discouraging. so i've learned to keep certain areas of my life from people, because i don't think they'll understand.....

maybe i should give them a chance, but maybe i dont have the energy or the confidence to take any more crap from anyone. there are plenty of reasons to doubt in this life, and plenty of chances to give up. i dont need any one else to question me, i need people to believe in me, to have a little faith in.... my faith. i would never do anything i didn't feel like God was calling me to do. if only other people could accept that.

well, i'm not sure what i'm getting at. maybe i'm just venting, or maybe i'm trying to teach us all a lesson here, myself included. sometimes i'm just overwhelmed by people's self-centeredness and inability to open their eyes and change their point of view. i know, it's scary what you might find out, but it's also scary what, or who, you might lose if you keep your eyes shut so tightly all the time.

Reassurance.

i feel so small, standing here beside you.
you've got a brilliance that shines out through the core of you.
but me, my chances are pretty slim.
i haven't got a lot to give; i'm insignificant at best.
but you've inspired me to be brave and take a chance.

i can see, you are destined to be great.
it's written all over your face.
and i've got nothing but to wake up every day
and try so hard to erase, the doubts inside my mind
i'm trying desperately to find the reassurance that i need.
can you see something good in me?

how could you ever understand the weight of all these challenges?
my failures, inexperience and inability, simply to be you....
oh the things that i would do.
and not that i would want to be, anybody else but me,
but you've got to understand
what i would give
to have the cards you hold in my hands.

and i feel, so very intimidated.
i was afraid to even face you.
but i thought i saw a mercy in your eyes...
a kindness in your smile.

so i'm standing here beside you,
and i'm asking you to guide me
through the mess of all my aimlessness
and the fear i hold inside me.
cause in my heart, i have a dream,
and i think that all i need
is somebody like you to just believe
so I pray to God you'll see
something good in me.

crash and burn

when i think of my future, i get very anxious.
i know exactly what i want to do and where i want to go, but honestly, i'm afraid i might not ever get there. i'm afraid of failing. but i can't imagine not trying. i would regret it forever if i never gave it a shot.

And I don't know

This could break my heart or save me

Nothing's real

Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me


And I don't know

I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right

No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

("Sober"- Kelly Clarkson)

i'm a plane in a sunset, with no where to land

so......... i had a pretty bad day today. actually i've been having a lot of bad days lately. i have been so stressed with school that i have seriously comtemplated dropping out.... halfway through the last semester of my senior year. sounds pretty ridiculous, but thats how bad its been for me.

its really hard to explain why i'm so stressed, but basically, i'm working my butt off to earn a degree that i dont plan on using. to add to all of that, i keep experiencing one disaster after another with all of these projects i have to do for class. and i'm overwhelmed and i'm frustrated because i keep praying that God will give me strength to get me through all of this and that he will make everything go smoothly for me because i am trying my best. and yet, the disasters keep coming. and i dont understand why God is allowing it. i really dont.

i experienced yet another disaster today working on a project that i was supposed to turn in at 2, but obviously that didn't happen and i was so angry. because i dont even want to be doing this. lately, i really dont even care about graduating. i would much rather quit and escape the madness. and i spent most of my class zoned out planning my escape, any escape, drop out of school, transfer to another school and pick a better major, etc, etc. all of these ideas seemed good at the time. haha. although they are all really bad ideas to be honest. but thats how much i want out of this. i feel like i should be getting paid for going to college, not the other way around! its insane!

anyways, i was so overwhelmed and still angry when i got home from class that i ate an early dinner and went to bed (haha, not a good idea if you plan on sleeping that night). but at the time, i just didn't feel like doing anything. i didn't know what to do next, i didn't want to stress myself out trying to come up with some ridiculous strategy for redoing my video, i just didn't even want to think or try to avoid thinking by engaging in some meaningless activity such as movie-watching or facebooking, so i decided just to go to sleep. drown out the noise.

well, i cant say that i felt completely refreshed when i got up a few hours later, but i felt a little better. and after some conversations with my parents--conversations that consisted of me being angry and bitter and my parents pretty much telling me, i know your frustrated but you have to do this or you'll regret it one day, so pull yourself together--i began to sort through the madness in my head.

i didn't come up with a whole lot of answers really. except that my parents are right. this is hard, so so hard and so so frustrating, but seriously, am i going to let myself get defeated or am i going to push through the pain and save myself from making a decision that i would probably regret for the rest of my life? am i going to keep being angry with God for allowing all of these troubles to arise and get me down all the time or am i going to trust that there is a reason for all of this? i think it all comes down to faith....

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

we can choose to believe God or we can choose to do it our own way and try to handle everything on our own. i know what my choice is.

well, overall this semester has been really..... trying. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. its so scary to be graduating from college and having to decide what to do next. to be about to turn 22. there's no turning back now, you're officially an adult and the pressure is on. you better get your life together! haha. but i was listening to a song earlier today that goes so well with all of the things i'm going through right now. so, i know this blog has been long, but i just have to include these lyrics, it would be wrong not to.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

("Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot)

midnight lullaby

at the end of the day
when i'm so restless, and wide awake
when there's a hole in me
and nobody will ease my pain
you're all i've got, so won't you fill me up?

sometimes i wonder
if there's something wrong with me
when i can't find a satisfaction in anything
all i can do is get down on my knees
and pray for peace
i'm begging you to fill me up.

oh, did i mention
no one ever pays any attention
to me
at least, that's how it feels
there are not enough thrills
in this life
not enough love, adventure
or excitement
and this monotony
just makes me want to die
so wont you please, come to me
God, I need you to fill me up

nothing ever seems to be enough, anymore
so i'm asking you to fill me up

my happy medium

well, i am happy to say that, although my life is still stressful, it has calmed down a bit since monday and i have traded in my screamo for something a bit more upbeat....... the lovely and oh so talented it makes me want to cry Kelly Clarkson! wooooot wooot. i love her. haha. one my life's goals is to become bff's with her. you just wait... it will happen. haha.

anyways, i am not going to lie, i LOVE her new video!

WATCH IT!

i have watched it 3x in the last 24 hours. is that a bit much? maybe. but i'm thinking that 3x in 24 hours falls somewhere between being a fan and being obsessed, its a happy medium, so i'm okay with it. cause it's just so cute. it brings joy to my heart. after a few years of angry, depressed kelly, it is nice to see her happy and smiling again.

i will admit, when i first heard her new single, i was not a huge fan. but somehow it grew on me, and then yesterday i discovered the video to it and now i'm like, "AHHH, i love it, i freakin love it!" plus, being a person who has MADE music a music video, i am very critical of most videos i see because 99% of the time, they have nothing to do with the song. they're like, "hey, i know my song is about love and friendship but i think for my video i'll just put on some hoochie clothes and dance on top of a car in the middle of the rainforest." haha. that maybe be exaggerated, but seriously! they're ridiculous!

anyways, this song may be a little silly, but at least the video went along with the story of it. i was pleased. and like i said, it was fun and cute and it gave me those warm fuzzies that i rarely get with music videos anymore. so..... 1o points for kelly and her production team.

and now... i am off to go watch her video again.
haha. jk.

caught up in the system

so, i'm not off to a good start this week.

i already had to break out the screamo music to vent to as i drove away from campus for lunch.

"It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut
Caught up in this system, put down as another victim
My fingernails are fading away, and my hair is looking lazy
And that’s okay, yeah, but I think I may go crazy
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, all alone
Here I go again –go- I lie awake in my car at the park
It’s half past three and I can’t sleep
Looking up at the stars
Looking up at the dark
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, and all alone
My stereo turns on, trying to ignore you, but I still hear your voice
Everything will be ok, you say
Everything’s going to change, you say
You’re not crazy
It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut"
("At the Park" - Subseven)

so thats how i feel today. just another victim. i just feel like i'm being forced to live my life a certain way right now, to go against my instincts and my desires and conform to "the system" of our society. its making me crazy. but soon i will be free from all of this and free to live the life i want to live. but not soon enough......

so, i almost stepped on a squirrel today.

i was walking down the sidewalk on campus and suddenly i'm forced to stop in midstep as i see a squirrel standing on the sidewalk right in front of me. i've always known the squirrels on campus were very uninhibited but man! you'd think a squirrel would run away if a person was less than a foot away and about to step on it, but no! this squirrel just stood there, munching away at some food on the sidewalk. haha. whatever little man, its your life!

i am now about to engage in hours of video editing. if i dont shoot myself first. i think i am going to get out a calendar and literally countdown the exact number of days until i graduate and "electronic media production" no longer rules my life! i will be happy if i never have to touch another video camera or editing program again........