diary of an insomniac

so, its been awhile since i've done a post about my late night insomoniacal (haha definitely not a word) behavior, my lack of sleep and the possible health issues that might be the answer to this strange mystery.

what do you think is the grammatically correct word for insomniacal? i can't find any matches in merriam-websters dictionary. but i'm declaring it a word. it is a word in kristin's dictionary.
insomniacal- (adv) one who behaves like an insomniac.

speaking of words and dictionaries and letters, this reminds me of a funny story. the story of the one of the best pick up lines i have ever received..... this is what this guy said to me while we were working one day:

"In my alphabet, K is the first letter!"

Ha! how great is that one? very creative. i have to hand it to him.

well shoot. i was hoping i'd be tired after all this typing. those keyboards, they will wear you out.
but no! i'm not tired yet.

so, my roommate tells me i had a sneezing attack last night around 1 am.
haha. really? really really? i sure dont remember that i told her. you see, i have been known to have sneezing attacks in the past, but only when i have been changing my nose ring and it gets turned around the wrong direction and makes me sneeze. but i know i didn't change my nose ring last night. and you'd think you'd remember it if you had a sneezing attack in your sleep. but i dont know... do you think its possible to sleep through a sneezing attack? pretty unlikely if you're a light sleeper like myself. but i guess you never know.

in other news, we talked about the movie Gone Baby Gone in my media ethics class today and it reminded me of how much i freakin love that movie! if you havent seen it, go rent it. but dont expect a lollipops and gumdrops kind of movie, cause it's not, but it is excellent. one of my favorite films ever.

Goooooooood stuff.

i wonder if anybody is actually going to read this blog. sometimes i want to put something ridiculous on here like, "i have a confession, i am a hermaphrodite and i was born with a third arm growing out of my hip which i had surgically removed as a baby" just to see if anyone is paying attention. hahaha. it's not true. i swear. i am totally normal. no extra parts here. okay eww. i'm grossing myself out now.

man its late. i will probaby regret saying all this tomorrow and remove this post. 50 bucks to me if i remove this post tomorrow when i've (hopefully) gotten some sleep and come to my senses.


well...... on a serious note, i have been making plans lately. plans to move to the city of angels, or the city of demons as my father would like to call it. thats right, i will be moving to LA several months after i graduate from this hell hole that they often call college. i think this might be my busiest and most stressful semester yet. i have SO SO many things to do and zero motivation. zeeeeeeeero. this is just a means to an end for me because i dont plan on going into the field that i am majoring in. smart, huh? well, i can't live a life that i'm not passionate about. i refuse.

anyways, i am very restless and apathetic lately. but at the same time, these next few months will be the last time i get to see a lot of my friends for..... who knows how long, not to mention my beloved family. as much as i am going to LOVE living in LA, i am going to miss my family, especially my mom, like crazy. i dont know how i'm going to do it. but i really want to enjoy my time with them before i dont get to see them for months on end. but its so hard. i soooo want to be done with school. i will be happy when summer gets here and i get the best of both worlds- no school and time with friends and family. YAY. Here i am with my mother. isn't she cute and funny? haha i know, i know. that's where i get it.


well, i'm getting slightly tired. praise the Lord.

i want to change the world, instead, i sleep...

i just spent the last 30 minutes crying my eyes out as i watched a walk to remember.

haha. seriously! it used to be my favorite movie back in highschool and i hadn't watched it in years, but it seems to get my every time. i think i cry at different parts every time i watch it though, which is interesting, but i guess it impacts me in different ways every time i see it.

its a little cheesy in some parts, i know that, but i still think its an incredible story. and while there are many ways in which i dont want to be like the character of jamie in the story, there are alot of ways in which i'd love to be like her! i wish i were as strong a person as she was. to not care what people thought of me. to be bold about my faith. and to change people's as i inspire the greatness in them. i hope that one day i can be that kind of person.

there is a great song by ingrid michaelson that always gets me.
"a storm is coming, but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...

i want to change the world, instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do i keep breathing now...."

somedays i look at my life and i think, wow, i am such a mess.
i dont know how i am ever going to make a difference.
but i have faith that God can use me in much greater ways than i could ever imagine.

as jamie says in a walk to remember, "maybe God had a bigger plan for me than i had for myself."

Tunnel Vision

Ohhhhhhh California. I miss you so!

I think maybe I think too much.

The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine and we were discussing our future and our goals and dreams and about how we want to change the world but don't know how and blah de blah... and suddenly it occurred to me,
"Am I over thinking this?!" So I aksed my friend if she thought we thought too much and she said she'd rather think too much than too little. I think that sounds like a good plan.

So I've just been continuing in my endless quest for deep thought. It seems to be what I do best. And I have been doing a lot of it lately. I seem to have a lot of things on my mind these days- a lot of really important things because this is a really important time in my life. I'm about to make some serious decisions about my future and I want to make sure they are well thought out!

Here are some reoccurring thoughts of mine:

1) I don't belong here. "Here" meaning a lot of things: Oklahoma. OBU. The theater. This earth....

For years I've felt that I was made for something different, somewhere different, but I had no idea where. I've finally found that place, but I can't be there yet and it kills me. I'm stuck here for now and I'm trying to make the most of it, but my heart belongs somewhere else and everyday I wish I could be there instead. Somedays I'm just sick of it all and I think I'd rather die and go to heaven than put up with this meaninglessness any longer.

2) Going to LA last year might have been my best AND worst idea ever!

For so many years of my life, I felt like I was walking around aimlessly, without any real purpose or destiny. I felt like I was just.... there. But what's the point of being somewhere if you're not doing anything? And what's the point of doing something if your heart isn't in it?

Well, when I went to LA, it's as if something inside of me snapped into place. Finally I realized where I was supposed to be, and it was the last place I expected. I feel like I was taught growing up that if you want to follow God, there are only certain things you should do with your life. There is a box that you must not step outside of, or especially dream about stepping outside of. Well, coming to LA, I learned that God has no boxes. Hello! Of all people to have limitations, why would God? And although many Christians seem to view Hollywood as some kind of danger zone that's off limits to all of us "righteous" people, I believe quite the opposite. I may agree in some respects that much of Hollywood is full of people who are very lost, but if this is true, then why on earth would we stay away from these people? That's the stupidest idea ever. Honestly, I believe that Hollywood needs people who are real and who have integrity and if anyone is going to get through to them, it is going to be with love. And I believe that is my calling. That is the only thing I know. But it's a start.

Well, when I discovered all of this last year, I felt like someone had finally woken me up. Woken me up to this incredible calling, one full of excitement and adventure and many ups and downs I'm sure, but with so many rewards. Discovering this God-given destiny for my life was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever encountered. I felt like someone set my soul on fire. It was great.

But when I had to come home, things started to go downhill. I tried to tell myself to be happy and to enjoy being with my family and friends again, but it was still hard. I felt like someone snatched all my dreams away from me. Like the kid in the cafeteria who got his lunch money stolen on pizza and popsicle day. It was devastating!

And now I've been home for almost a year and every day my dream and my "destiny" fade further and further away. I think I've become very jaded because I feel like I have no purpose here and I can't wait to get back out to LA, and yet, I don't even know how soon that will be. I'm stuck here, living in small town Oklahoma, going to a school I don't like, taking really difficult classes that I hate, learning material I'm not going to use, working a dead-end job that sucks the life out of me.

So, going to LA last year might have been the worst idea because it woke me up to the possibility of this incredible life I've always dreamed of, only to abruptly thrust me back into this monotonous reality, a life of sleepwalking. It showed me what I was capable of and then took away my ability to try.

3) The other thought that keeps flowing through my mind is "how can I ever make a difference?"

I was raised in church and taught from a young age that there is a God who loves me, died for me, and wants to save me. Once I understood my need for him, and accepted him into my heart, I was taught that my purpose in life is to share God's love with others.

Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong.

This has been the most difficult thing in the world. I believe in God with all my heart and truly believe that he has changed my life, so why is it so difficult to tell people about that? I don't know.

But if I do believe that God has changed me then I think that my words shouldn't be all that necessary but rather my actions. People should be able to see something different in me- some sort of love and grace and humility and honesty and faithfulness- but do they?

My biggest fear is that I will never be any different than the rest of the world. Sadly, I think that so many Christians take this idea way too far and turn it into some ridiculous excuse to condemn other people for their "sin."
That is the last thing in the world I want to do and I think being known for hating others is the completely opposite of what Christ wanted to be known for.

So, it is my life's goal to learn how to love people the way Christ loved us. And to love in a way that makes people notice a difference in me and wonder what on earth could compel me to do the things I do. They may call me crazy, but I'd rather be ridiculed for living a worthy life than fit into a world of selfishness and vanity and pride.

Now the question is, how do I combine these things? How do I work in Hollywood and be different? Is it even possible to make a difference there? And if it is, am I capable of doing it? I'll never know until I try....

the strangest dream i've had in weeks

so, i had this really bizarre but hilarious dream last night (melissa, i thought you'd appreciate this).

i'm in this big warehouse, and there are about 50 of us.... "prisoners" being put to work there.

in the middle of the room is a huge, oval shaped contraption. i'm not sure what to call it or how exactly to describe it. it was like those baggage claim conveyor belt things at the airport that spin around, except that this machine was taller and had spinning stoves on top of it.

on top of each stove was a skillet and as the machine would spin around, the other prisoners and i would run around it, all the while, rushing to make and flip pancakes on the spinning stoves.

but these werent just regular old pancakes. these were coca-cola pancakes!

haha, now, before you go dismissing this dream as some kind of strange fantasy in the world of a coke-addict, let me explain to you the anxiety and disgust behind this coke-cake making!

i dont know why we were being held prisoner or why on earth they thought the proper punishment for us would be to make us run in circles making pancakes with coke poured all over them, but this was definitely a punishment! it was not appealing in any way, but was more like some strange torture device.

well, i dont remember much more about this strange dream, but i remember being scared because i kept getting yelled at to flip my coke-cakes. maybe i was burning them. i dont know. haha. but it was a pretty frightening ordeal!

i think it would be really funny to find one of those dream interpreters and have them tell me what this dream means. i dont know how anyone could ever turn such a crazy, random dream into something insightful but it sure would be interesting to see what they'd come up with! haha.

you can try to ignore valentines day, but it will still leave you alone

Walking around, head in my hands
Wish on a star and breathe if I can
Because I’m choking on lies
You told me enough

But I’d take them some more
If you’d walk back through the door
Cause I miss you love

And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love

Multi-colored dreams are all that I have
Because my reality is enough to make a girl go mad
I keep on telling myself
I’m gonna rise above

But this thorny crown
Well it’s weighing me down
I miss you love

I was your princess for so long
But it all went wrong
I miss you love

My eyes bear the weight of your smile
I’d just love to hear you talk for awhile
And take me back in those familiar arms
Without the unnecessary charms

Baby I think we could get it all back
Even make up all that it lacked
Just tell me I’m your girl
And that you’re still in love

Because you made me complete
From my head down to my feet
I miss you love
And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love

(Miss You Love- Jessica Harp)

90's child

so... i did absolutely nothing productive tonight. i had a lot of homework and studying that i should have done. but instead, me and my roommate rented this movie called "wish upon a star."

it was a lovely little blast from the past because this movie, made in 1996, used to air quite often on the disney channel and i remember watching it all the time! haha.

so, we watch the movie, and then we get started talking about the music in the movie, and next thing i know, i'm looking up the artists and i'm making my latest mix cd: the old school mix 2 (the best of the 90's).

well, i am one of those people that takes the task of making a mixed cd very seriously. if you're not going to make it good, why make it at all?! that is my personal opinion. plus, i believe mix making is an art... it requires creativity and balance, and i'm not trying to brag, but i think i'm pretty good at it. and i spend a lot of time on it.

so ya. i spent like 4 hours making this new cd. and i am quite proud of it! its got some really good music, but most of it is very 90's. it takes me back to the old gymnastics days.... i used to listen to the radio 4 hours a day at practice when i was in elementary so i knew all the hits. haha. probably more than i do know.

anyways, if you want to check out my playlist, hop on over to my infinite playlist blog and it will be posted for all to see!

Memory.... it's a cruel, cruel thing.

Life is funny....

The way that we fall... The wounds we receive along the way...
And how they seem so terrible at the time, but are soon forgotten as time passes us by.

Then it's funny how random little things make us remember them.

I was washing my face tonight and as I was looking in the mirror, I noticed this scar at the top of my forehead, a scar that I've forgotten about for so many years. And suddenly I was replaying the memory in my head- I was in elementary and I was playing outside with my friends at the courtyard at our church. This girl was pulling me in a wheelbarrow and she was running really fast. But suddenly, for some reason, she decided to let go of the handle and it swung back and hit me right in the head. I remember seeing my mom walk outside to pick me up right as this was happening, and I remember being excited to see her, but in an instant, all my joy was replaced with fear and horror as blood gushed down my head.

What a vivid memory. And yet I had forgotten about this moment for 5, 6, 7 years....

That, of course, is an example of a physical wound, but so many times we receive deep emotional pain that scars us for years. And as time goes by, we heal. But its strange how you could have moved on from a past relationship or something along those lines, but then you run into the guy somewhere, or you see a movie with a guy that looks a lot like him, and suddenly you remember the pain like it happened just yesterday.

Memories are kind of a cruel thing sometimes. As much as you want to forget certain things, you just never will. And while there are some memories that are wonderful and full of joy, memories that we would all love to hold onto forever, there are also some very dark, painful memories that never go away.

And as I sit here typing this, I'm asking myself what you might be wondering as well, "What are you getting at?" Haha, you know.... I'm not quite sure. This is all just a thought that popped into my head twenty minutes ago when I saw that scar on my head.

But, you know, the more I think about, the more I am thankful for the incredible gift of memory. Even though it often brings a recollection of pain, it also brings deep joy and peace and love, and it brings insight, which is perhaps the greatest quality. It teaches us powerful lessons and helps us grow..... pretty sweet if you ask me.

i feel like, i would like, to be somewhere else doing something that matters

Wow. I look like a huge dork, don't I?!

Well, at the time, I didn't care. Because I was so excited about my future that nothing else really mattered. I took these pictures right after I found out I got accepted to the LA Film Studies Center in fall 2007. I was so excited because I felt like I was about to take off on this this crazy adventure full of excitement and purpose. It was a great feeling, and it turned out to be just that- one of the most exciting experiences of my life.

And I miss it. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but life has not been very good to me since I've been back. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm in a very good place lately. And mostly, that's because I feel like I have no purpose here. Each day just feels like this monotonous cycle of meaningless tasks. I'm so sick of it.

The sad thing is that I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do to get out of this rut I'm in. It's not that simple. I want to do what God wants me to do but I also want to do something compelling and interesting.... something that I'm passionate about and I can't seem to figure out how those things go together. Maybe I just need to find more passion...... or love God more.... I don't know. All I know is I'm tired of this phase of my life. I know I was made for much more than this but I just don't know what that means. But I really hope I figure it out soon because all this nothingness is sucking the life out of me.

I want to get that incredible feeling of excitement back. I want to feel free to make crazy faces and do ridiculous things just because I'm so glad to be alive.