I think maybe I think too much.

The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine and we were discussing our future and our goals and dreams and about how we want to change the world but don't know how and blah de blah... and suddenly it occurred to me,
"Am I over thinking this?!" So I aksed my friend if she thought we thought too much and she said she'd rather think too much than too little. I think that sounds like a good plan.

So I've just been continuing in my endless quest for deep thought. It seems to be what I do best. And I have been doing a lot of it lately. I seem to have a lot of things on my mind these days- a lot of really important things because this is a really important time in my life. I'm about to make some serious decisions about my future and I want to make sure they are well thought out!

Here are some reoccurring thoughts of mine:

1) I don't belong here. "Here" meaning a lot of things: Oklahoma. OBU. The theater. This earth....

For years I've felt that I was made for something different, somewhere different, but I had no idea where. I've finally found that place, but I can't be there yet and it kills me. I'm stuck here for now and I'm trying to make the most of it, but my heart belongs somewhere else and everyday I wish I could be there instead. Somedays I'm just sick of it all and I think I'd rather die and go to heaven than put up with this meaninglessness any longer.

2) Going to LA last year might have been my best AND worst idea ever!

For so many years of my life, I felt like I was walking around aimlessly, without any real purpose or destiny. I felt like I was just.... there. But what's the point of being somewhere if you're not doing anything? And what's the point of doing something if your heart isn't in it?

Well, when I went to LA, it's as if something inside of me snapped into place. Finally I realized where I was supposed to be, and it was the last place I expected. I feel like I was taught growing up that if you want to follow God, there are only certain things you should do with your life. There is a box that you must not step outside of, or especially dream about stepping outside of. Well, coming to LA, I learned that God has no boxes. Hello! Of all people to have limitations, why would God? And although many Christians seem to view Hollywood as some kind of danger zone that's off limits to all of us "righteous" people, I believe quite the opposite. I may agree in some respects that much of Hollywood is full of people who are very lost, but if this is true, then why on earth would we stay away from these people? That's the stupidest idea ever. Honestly, I believe that Hollywood needs people who are real and who have integrity and if anyone is going to get through to them, it is going to be with love. And I believe that is my calling. That is the only thing I know. But it's a start.

Well, when I discovered all of this last year, I felt like someone had finally woken me up. Woken me up to this incredible calling, one full of excitement and adventure and many ups and downs I'm sure, but with so many rewards. Discovering this God-given destiny for my life was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever encountered. I felt like someone set my soul on fire. It was great.

But when I had to come home, things started to go downhill. I tried to tell myself to be happy and to enjoy being with my family and friends again, but it was still hard. I felt like someone snatched all my dreams away from me. Like the kid in the cafeteria who got his lunch money stolen on pizza and popsicle day. It was devastating!

And now I've been home for almost a year and every day my dream and my "destiny" fade further and further away. I think I've become very jaded because I feel like I have no purpose here and I can't wait to get back out to LA, and yet, I don't even know how soon that will be. I'm stuck here, living in small town Oklahoma, going to a school I don't like, taking really difficult classes that I hate, learning material I'm not going to use, working a dead-end job that sucks the life out of me.

So, going to LA last year might have been the worst idea because it woke me up to the possibility of this incredible life I've always dreamed of, only to abruptly thrust me back into this monotonous reality, a life of sleepwalking. It showed me what I was capable of and then took away my ability to try.

3) The other thought that keeps flowing through my mind is "how can I ever make a difference?"

I was raised in church and taught from a young age that there is a God who loves me, died for me, and wants to save me. Once I understood my need for him, and accepted him into my heart, I was taught that my purpose in life is to share God's love with others.

Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong.

This has been the most difficult thing in the world. I believe in God with all my heart and truly believe that he has changed my life, so why is it so difficult to tell people about that? I don't know.

But if I do believe that God has changed me then I think that my words shouldn't be all that necessary but rather my actions. People should be able to see something different in me- some sort of love and grace and humility and honesty and faithfulness- but do they?

My biggest fear is that I will never be any different than the rest of the world. Sadly, I think that so many Christians take this idea way too far and turn it into some ridiculous excuse to condemn other people for their "sin."
That is the last thing in the world I want to do and I think being known for hating others is the completely opposite of what Christ wanted to be known for.

So, it is my life's goal to learn how to love people the way Christ loved us. And to love in a way that makes people notice a difference in me and wonder what on earth could compel me to do the things I do. They may call me crazy, but I'd rather be ridiculed for living a worthy life than fit into a world of selfishness and vanity and pride.

Now the question is, how do I combine these things? How do I work in Hollywood and be different? Is it even possible to make a difference there? And if it is, am I capable of doing it? I'll never know until I try....