I remember this one night when you and I were only 5.
It was my birthday and we went on a pony ride.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
And I remember when we were ten, we'd dress alike and say that we were twins.
We'd take lots of pictures in our matching dresses, and write crazy tales of our great adventures.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
It seems like just yesterday when we were 19, went on our first trip to New York City.
We ran through the streets in our dresses and heels, we were late for the play, but we were laughing all the way!
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
In the blink of an eye, I'm 21 and your 22, we're nearly done with school.
And here we are about to say goodbye, grab those diplomas and get on with our lives.
Would you look how far we've come, would you look how far we've come since then?
Well, I hope one day when I'm 85, you'll be sittin playing bingo in the chair across from mine.
And we'll tell all the people at the nursing home that we've been friends forever, we've watched eachother grow...
From ballet class to Mary-Kate and Ash-ley.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From church musicals to Broadway shows.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From roller coaster rides to cross country flights.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From broken hearts to broken cars.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
From kindergarten to college graduation.
We've seen it all together, seen it all together.
It's been nearly 20 years, and I look forward to 20, 40, 60 more of them.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I pick myself up off the ground to have you knock me back down.
Sometimes I hate being a nice person because I feel like it makes people feel obligated to be nice back. And you might think, umm, what is wrong with that? Well, it's not real. I feel like half the time people don't really care, but because i'm "so nice," they feel bad not being nice back to me. It just gets frustrating sometimes. Makes you think you have a lot more friends than you really have. Until they forget to call you one day to hangout or whatever it may be. Then you figure out how few real friends you do have.
I guess I am just very disappointed in people lately. I guess my whole life, I've been very disappointed in people. How sad. I mean, it's okay. I'm alright. Like I said, I do have real friends. I may have some crappy "friends," but the friends I do have are great! So I do feel blessed to have them, but I hate when you give certain people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to be better than they really are, and then, they disappoint you. It just sucks. It gets really old after 20 or so years.
I suppose I am learning to be at peace with the idea that I may never be popular or have this huge group of friends and get invited to hangout with people every weekend, etc, etc. I used to want all that pretty bad, and I think, slowly, over time, it has become less appealing. The older I get, the more I see that life isn't really about me, or other people, or me and other people. Hehe. I think God has been teaching me this summer to... get over it. People are going to let you down all the time, so stop putting so much hope in people. It kind of makes me sad that I have such a jaded view of relationships. I think it's just a process I have to go through though to remind me that I need God and that he is so much more loving and faithful than anyone in this world.
Psalm 36: 5
"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
I think what it boils down to is that, most of the time, I care too much what other people think of me. When things go well in my relationships, I feel happy. And then when they go badly, I get depressed. And I don't want people to have so much affect on me anymore because I believe that God and God alone can bring true, lasting joy. When we try to find it in other other places, we come up short. So, like I said earlier, I'm tired of being disappointed by people. But at the same time, if this is what it takes to make me run to God for joy, then I guess I'm alright with it.
"I have tried so hard to please every heart but yours.
I have fallen from that place I first beheld your face.
But your love and your grace is calling me back,
It's calling me back to the place I'm meant to be.
I live for you, I live for you, I live for you, my king.
I sing for you and only you, when no one's listening, I sing for you."
("For You," Jamie Jamgochian)
I guess I am just very disappointed in people lately. I guess my whole life, I've been very disappointed in people. How sad. I mean, it's okay. I'm alright. Like I said, I do have real friends. I may have some crappy "friends," but the friends I do have are great! So I do feel blessed to have them, but I hate when you give certain people the benefit of the doubt, the chance to be better than they really are, and then, they disappoint you. It just sucks. It gets really old after 20 or so years.
I suppose I am learning to be at peace with the idea that I may never be popular or have this huge group of friends and get invited to hangout with people every weekend, etc, etc. I used to want all that pretty bad, and I think, slowly, over time, it has become less appealing. The older I get, the more I see that life isn't really about me, or other people, or me and other people. Hehe. I think God has been teaching me this summer to... get over it. People are going to let you down all the time, so stop putting so much hope in people. It kind of makes me sad that I have such a jaded view of relationships. I think it's just a process I have to go through though to remind me that I need God and that he is so much more loving and faithful than anyone in this world.
Psalm 36: 5
"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
I think what it boils down to is that, most of the time, I care too much what other people think of me. When things go well in my relationships, I feel happy. And then when they go badly, I get depressed. And I don't want people to have so much affect on me anymore because I believe that God and God alone can bring true, lasting joy. When we try to find it in other other places, we come up short. So, like I said earlier, I'm tired of being disappointed by people. But at the same time, if this is what it takes to make me run to God for joy, then I guess I'm alright with it.
"I have tried so hard to please every heart but yours.
I have fallen from that place I first beheld your face.
But your love and your grace is calling me back,
It's calling me back to the place I'm meant to be.
I live for you, I live for you, I live for you, my king.
I sing for you and only you, when no one's listening, I sing for you."
("For You," Jamie Jamgochian)
Friday, July 31, 2009
it's only you & me
so, i found an old song i wrote last year. it sounds pretty emo, but i think it's bittersweet. and its hopeful. i think it describes our struggle in life to find meaning in everything but God. and in the end, at least in my experience, we find that nothing is ever enough. but its okay. it's not supposed to be. there is a peace i find in letting everything go and running into the arms of God. it's like nothing else in the world. so... don't take these words as some kind of emo, i want to die, kind of song. it's more like a reminder that this isn't as it good as it gets. there's something way better waiting for us beyond this life and sometimes, i just want to get there already!
chaos all around me
confusion in my head
sometimes i wish that i was dead....
then you would take me to that place
where peace pours out all around me
it makes me clean and new,
wipes away the red, erases all the blue.
and now its only me & you...
yes its only me & you.
so lets forget all of this,
lets just sit and let the light shine through.
lets forget all of this,
let me feel your love as it begins to sink into...
my callous heart.
chaos, chaos all around,
i want to scream, but i cant seem
to make a sound.
but can you hear my silent cry?
save me please,
oh God, i'm way too young to die.
lead me from the shadows of this dark, dark night.
please open up the blinds, wont you let in all the light?
i want to live, dont let me die
i know there's so much more to life
so let me be, and help me see
reveal to me whats beautiful and true
and remind me, its only me & you
whether i am here or there
i know that you're still everywhere
you're in my heart, nothing can tear us apart.
and if life is bitter or if its sweet,
i know that there is always room for you & me.
yes, its just you & me...
so lets forget all of this
lets just sit and soak up this new day
lets forget all of this, cause nothing really matters anyway.
its just me & you, today, tomorrow and always.
life is often misery,
and death is but a sweet release.
so take me to my resting place,
i long, i long for your embrace.
forever....
tell me, what on earth could possibly be better?
chaos all around me
confusion in my head
sometimes i wish that i was dead....
then you would take me to that place
where peace pours out all around me
it makes me clean and new,
wipes away the red, erases all the blue.
and now its only me & you...
yes its only me & you.
so lets forget all of this,
lets just sit and let the light shine through.
lets forget all of this,
let me feel your love as it begins to sink into...
my callous heart.
chaos, chaos all around,
i want to scream, but i cant seem
to make a sound.
but can you hear my silent cry?
save me please,
oh God, i'm way too young to die.
lead me from the shadows of this dark, dark night.
please open up the blinds, wont you let in all the light?
i want to live, dont let me die
i know there's so much more to life
so let me be, and help me see
reveal to me whats beautiful and true
and remind me, its only me & you
whether i am here or there
i know that you're still everywhere
you're in my heart, nothing can tear us apart.
and if life is bitter or if its sweet,
i know that there is always room for you & me.
yes, its just you & me...
so lets forget all of this
lets just sit and soak up this new day
lets forget all of this, cause nothing really matters anyway.
its just me & you, today, tomorrow and always.
life is often misery,
and death is but a sweet release.
so take me to my resting place,
i long, i long for your embrace.
forever....
tell me, what on earth could possibly be better?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Can I Have Your Attention, Please?
Yesterday, I went to an awards ceremony for the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters. They had a student broadcasting contest and I had placed 2 entries in it. One was a tv show pilot I wrote called "Outside the Box." The other was a tv show intro and scene excerpt I produced based on my script. Neither of them even placed.
Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.
And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.
As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.
Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.
After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.
And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.
And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.
To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.
I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.
"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")
For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.
But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.
"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48
Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.
And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.
As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.
Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.
After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.
And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.
And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.
To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.
I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.
"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")
For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.
But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.
"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
i'm broke and i am broken.
I’m worn and I’m so jaded.
I’ve worked so hard to make it.
And after all this waiting,
You are asking me for patience.
I’m broke and I am broken.
My plans all fall to pieces.
It’s not the money that I want,
It’s the opportunities it brings.
So forgive me,
If I start to get impatient,
If I act a little selfish,
If I seem a little faithless.
Can’t you see that I am weak?
But I feel like,
Someone ripped my heart out
And left me there to bleed.
What’s the point of living
A life without your dreams?
I am stripped and I’m defenseless
There is nothing I can do
I used to be on top
Now I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I just wanted to be different,
And I wanted to be great
And inside I guess I thought
Somehow I could control my fate
But I guess I was too selfish
And way too busy making plans.
Well, clearly, it is out of my hands.
And I just have to trust you.
I’ve worked so hard to make it.
And after all this waiting,
You are asking me for patience.
I’m broke and I am broken.
My plans all fall to pieces.
It’s not the money that I want,
It’s the opportunities it brings.
So forgive me,
If I start to get impatient,
If I act a little selfish,
If I seem a little faithless.
Can’t you see that I am weak?
But I feel like,
Someone ripped my heart out
And left me there to bleed.
What’s the point of living
A life without your dreams?
I am stripped and I’m defenseless
There is nothing I can do
I used to be on top
Now I’ve got nothing left to lose.
I just wanted to be different,
And I wanted to be great
And inside I guess I thought
Somehow I could control my fate
But I guess I was too selfish
And way too busy making plans.
Well, clearly, it is out of my hands.
And I just have to trust you.
Monday, March 30, 2009
not with my bloody head!
it is 2:4freaking2 am and i am not the least bit tired. this is really getting old.
what is wrong with me?!
i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.
i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.
when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.
well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.
i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.
on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.
oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.
what is wrong with me?!
i tried to sleep. i just didn't work. so i figured i might as well turn on the light and do something rather than just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
so... here i am. doing something. i'm trying to think of something productive to do. maybe that will be boring enough to make me sleepy. but no.
i was eating dinner with the fam tonight and we were discussing the british' bloody use of the word bloody. where did that one get started? interesting thought. i'm sure it's no more ridiculous than the words we use, but i just think it's funny and all too tempting to say.
when my mother had a bike accident last year, we really had a good time talking about her bloody head. well, that is after we knew she wasn't going to die and all. then we were all over that. how immature of us. haha. oh well.
well.... on the plus side, only 55 more days until graduation! i am so thrilled!!! i tried on my cap and gown the other day and couldn't resist the urge to take a quick photobooth photoshoot on my mac. haha.
i try to keep myself from getting too carried away with photobooth most of the time, but there are some instances in which i cannot contain myself. graduating from college.... that is one of them. not just because it's "the thing to do" but because i have worked my butt off for this. i'm serious. it has been really hard! especially the last year or so. and i have really really wanted to quit. i can think of better ways to spend my time. but i hung in there. well, i guess there is still a litte hanging left to do, but i'm almost there! praise the Lord. it is about time.
on another note, i am very frustrated lately that many of my friends are leaving a few weeks after graduation, headed to their various destinations, to go live the life of their dreams. just like that. and i am going to be stuck here for months working my butt off once again to save up money to go attempt to live the life of my dreams. it just doesn't seem fair. and i am frustrated.
oh, i'm sorry, am i complaining? i will stop that now. just had to vent.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
a cog in the machine
sometimes i hate the whole idea of a society. and class structures. you grow up in a certain society within a certain class system and they tell you have to be a certain way. they try to throw this crap at you about being an individual and having dreams and blah blah blah. but really, they only want you to be an individual if it fits their standards. and you can only follow your dreams if they fit into this tiny little box within their framework.
i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.
so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.
i remember when i was in western civilization sophomore year and we read bartleby. i hated it. we all hated it. it was weird and annoying and i was tired of hearing him say, "i would prefer not to" in such a cool and collected voice. i just wanted him to scream and throw something. if you dont like your life, then dont sick back and starve to death. get up and do something! if you dont like the standards that society places upon you, then make your voice known. change them! don't let yourself fall victim. don't become a cog in the machine.
so, i guess, even though i found the story of bartleby really annoying, i identified with it in a way and something resonated inside of me. dont allow yourself to fall into this meaningless cycle. there is more to life. you were meant to have an abundant life. and this isn't it. dont ever let yourself believe there isn't more. you were meant to live a life that you love. and that's why God gives us dreams. don't let them be squandered away. dont let the expectations of society, of friends, even of family suck the life out of you. it's your life. live it with passion and purpose and let God direct you. and nothing else.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
broken glass
i finally see the light
at the end of this tunnel
but it feels a million miles away
i dont think i have the strength
and it's hard to keep moving
when you're walking
over broken glass
so i'm looking up to heaven
and i'm praying
that this too will pass.
63 DAYS TILL GRADUATION!
at the end of this tunnel
but it feels a million miles away
i dont think i have the strength
and it's hard to keep moving
when you're walking
over broken glass
so i'm looking up to heaven
and i'm praying
that this too will pass.
63 DAYS TILL GRADUATION!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
don't ask me how i'm doing if you dont wanna know....
so, do you you ever get the feeling, when someone asks you how you're doing or whats going on in your life, that they really dont really care? that they're only being polite and they're probably not even listening to a word you're saying?
these phrases seem to be fillers for awkward silences and long pauses, but sometimes i feel like everyone is just going through the motions of conversation, when quite often, they could care less.
maybe i am just being emo, i dont know. honestly, i'm not upset or offended or anything, but i think it is a little sad and also a little convicting. i'll be the first to admit i've done this before. are we all just too wrapped up in our own lives to pay that much attention to anyone else's?
and this brings me to another question.... if we actually are taking the time to listen to other people are we trying to understand them as well?
today one of my friends asked me what was new in my life and i just shrugged and said, "oh... nothing, really."
well, i guess that's not true. there is actually quite a bit going on in my life, but i have learned from experience that not a lot of people support my decisions or understand my motivations for making them and i find it very discouraging. so i've learned to keep certain areas of my life from people, because i don't think they'll understand.....
maybe i should give them a chance, but maybe i dont have the energy or the confidence to take any more crap from anyone. there are plenty of reasons to doubt in this life, and plenty of chances to give up. i dont need any one else to question me, i need people to believe in me, to have a little faith in.... my faith. i would never do anything i didn't feel like God was calling me to do. if only other people could accept that.
well, i'm not sure what i'm getting at. maybe i'm just venting, or maybe i'm trying to teach us all a lesson here, myself included. sometimes i'm just overwhelmed by people's self-centeredness and inability to open their eyes and change their point of view. i know, it's scary what you might find out, but it's also scary what, or who, you might lose if you keep your eyes shut so tightly all the time.
these phrases seem to be fillers for awkward silences and long pauses, but sometimes i feel like everyone is just going through the motions of conversation, when quite often, they could care less.
maybe i am just being emo, i dont know. honestly, i'm not upset or offended or anything, but i think it is a little sad and also a little convicting. i'll be the first to admit i've done this before. are we all just too wrapped up in our own lives to pay that much attention to anyone else's?
and this brings me to another question.... if we actually are taking the time to listen to other people are we trying to understand them as well?
today one of my friends asked me what was new in my life and i just shrugged and said, "oh... nothing, really."
well, i guess that's not true. there is actually quite a bit going on in my life, but i have learned from experience that not a lot of people support my decisions or understand my motivations for making them and i find it very discouraging. so i've learned to keep certain areas of my life from people, because i don't think they'll understand.....
maybe i should give them a chance, but maybe i dont have the energy or the confidence to take any more crap from anyone. there are plenty of reasons to doubt in this life, and plenty of chances to give up. i dont need any one else to question me, i need people to believe in me, to have a little faith in.... my faith. i would never do anything i didn't feel like God was calling me to do. if only other people could accept that.
well, i'm not sure what i'm getting at. maybe i'm just venting, or maybe i'm trying to teach us all a lesson here, myself included. sometimes i'm just overwhelmed by people's self-centeredness and inability to open their eyes and change their point of view. i know, it's scary what you might find out, but it's also scary what, or who, you might lose if you keep your eyes shut so tightly all the time.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Reassurance.
i feel so small, standing here beside you.
you've got a brilliance that shines out through the core of you.
but me, my chances are pretty slim.
i haven't got a lot to give; i'm insignificant at best.
but you've inspired me to be brave and take a chance.
i can see, you are destined to be great.
it's written all over your face.
and i've got nothing but to wake up every day
and try so hard to erase, the doubts inside my mind
i'm trying desperately to find the reassurance that i need.
can you see something good in me?
how could you ever understand the weight of all these challenges?
my failures, inexperience and inability, simply to be you....
oh the things that i would do.
and not that i would want to be, anybody else but me,
but you've got to understand
what i would give
to have the cards you hold in my hands.
and i feel, so very intimidated.
i was afraid to even face you.
but i thought i saw a mercy in your eyes...
a kindness in your smile.
so i'm standing here beside you,
and i'm asking you to guide me
through the mess of all my aimlessness
and the fear i hold inside me.
cause in my heart, i have a dream,
and i think that all i need
is somebody like you to just believe
so I pray to God you'll see
something good in me.
you've got a brilliance that shines out through the core of you.
but me, my chances are pretty slim.
i haven't got a lot to give; i'm insignificant at best.
but you've inspired me to be brave and take a chance.
i can see, you are destined to be great.
it's written all over your face.
and i've got nothing but to wake up every day
and try so hard to erase, the doubts inside my mind
i'm trying desperately to find the reassurance that i need.
can you see something good in me?
how could you ever understand the weight of all these challenges?
my failures, inexperience and inability, simply to be you....
oh the things that i would do.
and not that i would want to be, anybody else but me,
but you've got to understand
what i would give
to have the cards you hold in my hands.
and i feel, so very intimidated.
i was afraid to even face you.
but i thought i saw a mercy in your eyes...
a kindness in your smile.
so i'm standing here beside you,
and i'm asking you to guide me
through the mess of all my aimlessness
and the fear i hold inside me.
cause in my heart, i have a dream,
and i think that all i need
is somebody like you to just believe
so I pray to God you'll see
something good in me.
Friday, March 6, 2009
crash and burn
when i think of my future, i get very anxious.
i know exactly what i want to do and where i want to go, but honestly, i'm afraid i might not ever get there. i'm afraid of failing. but i can't imagine not trying. i would regret it forever if i never gave it a shot.
i know exactly what i want to do and where i want to go, but honestly, i'm afraid i might not ever get there. i'm afraid of failing. but i can't imagine not trying. i would regret it forever if i never gave it a shot.
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
("Sober"- Kelly Clarkson)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
i'm a plane in a sunset, with no where to land
so......... i had a pretty bad day today. actually i've been having a lot of bad days lately. i have been so stressed with school that i have seriously comtemplated dropping out.... halfway through the last semester of my senior year. sounds pretty ridiculous, but thats how bad its been for me.
its really hard to explain why i'm so stressed, but basically, i'm working my butt off to earn a degree that i dont plan on using. to add to all of that, i keep experiencing one disaster after another with all of these projects i have to do for class. and i'm overwhelmed and i'm frustrated because i keep praying that God will give me strength to get me through all of this and that he will make everything go smoothly for me because i am trying my best. and yet, the disasters keep coming. and i dont understand why God is allowing it. i really dont.
i experienced yet another disaster today working on a project that i was supposed to turn in at 2, but obviously that didn't happen and i was so angry. because i dont even want to be doing this. lately, i really dont even care about graduating. i would much rather quit and escape the madness. and i spent most of my class zoned out planning my escape, any escape, drop out of school, transfer to another school and pick a better major, etc, etc. all of these ideas seemed good at the time. haha. although they are all really bad ideas to be honest. but thats how much i want out of this. i feel like i should be getting paid for going to college, not the other way around! its insane!
anyways, i was so overwhelmed and still angry when i got home from class that i ate an early dinner and went to bed (haha, not a good idea if you plan on sleeping that night). but at the time, i just didn't feel like doing anything. i didn't know what to do next, i didn't want to stress myself out trying to come up with some ridiculous strategy for redoing my video, i just didn't even want to think or try to avoid thinking by engaging in some meaningless activity such as movie-watching or facebooking, so i decided just to go to sleep. drown out the noise.
well, i cant say that i felt completely refreshed when i got up a few hours later, but i felt a little better. and after some conversations with my parents--conversations that consisted of me being angry and bitter and my parents pretty much telling me, i know your frustrated but you have to do this or you'll regret it one day, so pull yourself together--i began to sort through the madness in my head.
i didn't come up with a whole lot of answers really. except that my parents are right. this is hard, so so hard and so so frustrating, but seriously, am i going to let myself get defeated or am i going to push through the pain and save myself from making a decision that i would probably regret for the rest of my life? am i going to keep being angry with God for allowing all of these troubles to arise and get me down all the time or am i going to trust that there is a reason for all of this? i think it all comes down to faith....
we can choose to believe God or we can choose to do it our own way and try to handle everything on our own. i know what my choice is.
well, overall this semester has been really..... trying. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. its so scary to be graduating from college and having to decide what to do next. to be about to turn 22. there's no turning back now, you're officially an adult and the pressure is on. you better get your life together! haha. but i was listening to a song earlier today that goes so well with all of the things i'm going through right now. so, i know this blog has been long, but i just have to include these lyrics, it would be wrong not to.
its really hard to explain why i'm so stressed, but basically, i'm working my butt off to earn a degree that i dont plan on using. to add to all of that, i keep experiencing one disaster after another with all of these projects i have to do for class. and i'm overwhelmed and i'm frustrated because i keep praying that God will give me strength to get me through all of this and that he will make everything go smoothly for me because i am trying my best. and yet, the disasters keep coming. and i dont understand why God is allowing it. i really dont.
i experienced yet another disaster today working on a project that i was supposed to turn in at 2, but obviously that didn't happen and i was so angry. because i dont even want to be doing this. lately, i really dont even care about graduating. i would much rather quit and escape the madness. and i spent most of my class zoned out planning my escape, any escape, drop out of school, transfer to another school and pick a better major, etc, etc. all of these ideas seemed good at the time. haha. although they are all really bad ideas to be honest. but thats how much i want out of this. i feel like i should be getting paid for going to college, not the other way around! its insane!
anyways, i was so overwhelmed and still angry when i got home from class that i ate an early dinner and went to bed (haha, not a good idea if you plan on sleeping that night). but at the time, i just didn't feel like doing anything. i didn't know what to do next, i didn't want to stress myself out trying to come up with some ridiculous strategy for redoing my video, i just didn't even want to think or try to avoid thinking by engaging in some meaningless activity such as movie-watching or facebooking, so i decided just to go to sleep. drown out the noise.
well, i cant say that i felt completely refreshed when i got up a few hours later, but i felt a little better. and after some conversations with my parents--conversations that consisted of me being angry and bitter and my parents pretty much telling me, i know your frustrated but you have to do this or you'll regret it one day, so pull yourself together--i began to sort through the madness in my head.
i didn't come up with a whole lot of answers really. except that my parents are right. this is hard, so so hard and so so frustrating, but seriously, am i going to let myself get defeated or am i going to push through the pain and save myself from making a decision that i would probably regret for the rest of my life? am i going to keep being angry with God for allowing all of these troubles to arise and get me down all the time or am i going to trust that there is a reason for all of this? i think it all comes down to faith....
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Hebrews 11:1
we can choose to believe God or we can choose to do it our own way and try to handle everything on our own. i know what my choice is.
well, overall this semester has been really..... trying. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. its so scary to be graduating from college and having to decide what to do next. to be about to turn 22. there's no turning back now, you're officially an adult and the pressure is on. you better get your life together! haha. but i was listening to a song earlier today that goes so well with all of the things i'm going through right now. so, i know this blog has been long, but i just have to include these lyrics, it would be wrong not to.
I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
("Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot)
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
("Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
midnight lullaby
at the end of the day
when i'm so restless, and wide awake
when there's a hole in me
and nobody will ease my pain
you're all i've got, so won't you fill me up?
sometimes i wonder
if there's something wrong with me
when i can't find a satisfaction in anything
all i can do is get down on my knees
and pray for peace
i'm begging you to fill me up.
oh, did i mention
no one ever pays any attention
to me
at least, that's how it feels
there are not enough thrills
in this life
not enough love, adventure
or excitement
and this monotony
just makes me want to die
so wont you please, come to me
God, I need you to fill me up
nothing ever seems to be enough, anymore
so i'm asking you to fill me up
when i'm so restless, and wide awake
when there's a hole in me
and nobody will ease my pain
you're all i've got, so won't you fill me up?
sometimes i wonder
if there's something wrong with me
when i can't find a satisfaction in anything
all i can do is get down on my knees
and pray for peace
i'm begging you to fill me up.
oh, did i mention
no one ever pays any attention
to me
at least, that's how it feels
there are not enough thrills
in this life
not enough love, adventure
or excitement
and this monotony
just makes me want to die
so wont you please, come to me
God, I need you to fill me up
nothing ever seems to be enough, anymore
so i'm asking you to fill me up
my happy medium
well, i am happy to say that, although my life is still stressful, it has calmed down a bit since monday and i have traded in my screamo for something a bit more upbeat....... the lovely and oh so talented it makes me want to cry Kelly Clarkson! wooooot wooot. i love her. haha. one my life's goals is to become bff's with her. you just wait... it will happen. haha.
anyways, i am not going to lie, i LOVE her new video!
i have watched it 3x in the last 24 hours. is that a bit much? maybe. but i'm thinking that 3x in 24 hours falls somewhere between being a fan and being obsessed, its a happy medium, so i'm okay with it. cause it's just so cute. it brings joy to my heart. after a few years of angry, depressed kelly, it is nice to see her happy and smiling again.
i will admit, when i first heard her new single, i was not a huge fan. but somehow it grew on me, and then yesterday i discovered the video to it and now i'm like, "AHHH, i love it, i freakin love it!" plus, being a person who has MADE music a music video, i am very critical of most videos i see because 99% of the time, they have nothing to do with the song. they're like, "hey, i know my song is about love and friendship but i think for my video i'll just put on some hoochie clothes and dance on top of a car in the middle of the rainforest." haha. that maybe be exaggerated, but seriously! they're ridiculous!
anyways, this song may be a little silly, but at least the video went along with the story of it. i was pleased. and like i said, it was fun and cute and it gave me those warm fuzzies that i rarely get with music videos anymore. so..... 1o points for kelly and her production team.
and now... i am off to go watch her video again.
haha. jk.
anyways, i am not going to lie, i LOVE her new video!
i have watched it 3x in the last 24 hours. is that a bit much? maybe. but i'm thinking that 3x in 24 hours falls somewhere between being a fan and being obsessed, its a happy medium, so i'm okay with it. cause it's just so cute. it brings joy to my heart. after a few years of angry, depressed kelly, it is nice to see her happy and smiling again.
i will admit, when i first heard her new single, i was not a huge fan. but somehow it grew on me, and then yesterday i discovered the video to it and now i'm like, "AHHH, i love it, i freakin love it!" plus, being a person who has MADE music a music video, i am very critical of most videos i see because 99% of the time, they have nothing to do with the song. they're like, "hey, i know my song is about love and friendship but i think for my video i'll just put on some hoochie clothes and dance on top of a car in the middle of the rainforest." haha. that maybe be exaggerated, but seriously! they're ridiculous!
anyways, this song may be a little silly, but at least the video went along with the story of it. i was pleased. and like i said, it was fun and cute and it gave me those warm fuzzies that i rarely get with music videos anymore. so..... 1o points for kelly and her production team.
and now... i am off to go watch her video again.
haha. jk.
Monday, March 2, 2009
caught up in the system
so, i'm not off to a good start this week.
i already had to break out the screamo music to vent to as i drove away from campus for lunch.
"It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut
Caught up in this system, put down as another victim
My fingernails are fading away, and my hair is looking lazy
And that’s okay, yeah, but I think I may go crazy
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, all alone
Here I go again –go- I lie awake in my car at the park
It’s half past three and I can’t sleep
Looking up at the stars
Looking up at the dark
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, and all alone
My stereo turns on, trying to ignore you, but I still hear your voice
Everything will be ok, you say
Everything’s going to change, you say
You’re not crazy
It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut"
("At the Park" - Subseven)
so thats how i feel today. just another victim. i just feel like i'm being forced to live my life a certain way right now, to go against my instincts and my desires and conform to "the system" of our society. its making me crazy. but soon i will be free from all of this and free to live the life i want to live. but not soon enough......
so, i almost stepped on a squirrel today.
i was walking down the sidewalk on campus and suddenly i'm forced to stop in midstep as i see a squirrel standing on the sidewalk right in front of me. i've always known the squirrels on campus were very uninhibited but man! you'd think a squirrel would run away if a person was less than a foot away and about to step on it, but no! this squirrel just stood there, munching away at some food on the sidewalk. haha. whatever little man, its your life!
i am now about to engage in hours of video editing. if i dont shoot myself first. i think i am going to get out a calendar and literally countdown the exact number of days until i graduate and "electronic media production" no longer rules my life! i will be happy if i never have to touch another video camera or editing program again........
i already had to break out the screamo music to vent to as i drove away from campus for lunch.
"It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rutCaught up in this system, put down as another victim
My fingernails are fading away, and my hair is looking lazy
And that’s okay, yeah, but I think I may go crazy
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, all alone
Here I go again –go- I lie awake in my car at the park
It’s half past three and I can’t sleep
Looking up at the stars
Looking up at the dark
This time I have don’t feel my own, this life I live feels like a joke
But still I try to take control, still on my own, and all alone
My stereo turns on, trying to ignore you, but I still hear your voice
Everything will be ok, you say
Everything’s going to change, you say
You’re not crazy
It rips me up, spits me out, I’m messed up, in this rut"
("At the Park" - Subseven)
so thats how i feel today. just another victim. i just feel like i'm being forced to live my life a certain way right now, to go against my instincts and my desires and conform to "the system" of our society. its making me crazy. but soon i will be free from all of this and free to live the life i want to live. but not soon enough......
so, i almost stepped on a squirrel today.
i was walking down the sidewalk on campus and suddenly i'm forced to stop in midstep as i see a squirrel standing on the sidewalk right in front of me. i've always known the squirrels on campus were very uninhibited but man! you'd think a squirrel would run away if a person was less than a foot away and about to step on it, but no! this squirrel just stood there, munching away at some food on the sidewalk. haha. whatever little man, its your life!i am now about to engage in hours of video editing. if i dont shoot myself first. i think i am going to get out a calendar and literally countdown the exact number of days until i graduate and "electronic media production" no longer rules my life! i will be happy if i never have to touch another video camera or editing program again........
Thursday, February 26, 2009
diary of an insomniac
so, its been awhile since i've done a post about my late night insomoniacal (haha definitely not a word) behavior, my lack of sleep and the possible health issues that might be the answer to this strange mystery.
what do you think is the grammatically correct word for insomniacal? i can't find any matches in merriam-websters dictionary. but i'm declaring it a word. it is a word in kristin's dictionary.
insomniacal- (adv) one who behaves like an insomniac.
speaking of words and dictionaries and letters, this reminds me of a funny story. the story of the one of the best pick up lines i have ever received..... this is what this guy said to me while we were working one day:
"In my alphabet, K is the first letter!"
Ha! how great is that one? very creative. i have to hand it to him.
well shoot. i was hoping i'd be tired after all this typing. those keyboards, they will wear you out.
but no! i'm not tired yet.
so, my roommate tells me i had a sneezing attack last night around 1 am.
haha. really? really really? i sure dont remember that i told her. you see, i have been known to have sneezing attacks in the past, but only when i have been changing my nose ring and it gets turned around the wrong direction and makes me sneeze. but i know i didn't change my nose ring last night. and you'd think you'd remember it if you had a sneezing attack in your sleep. but i dont know... do you think its possible to sleep through a sneezing attack? pretty unlikely if you're a light sleeper like myself. but i guess you never know.
in other news, we talked about the movie Gone Baby Gone in my media ethics class today and it reminded me of how much i freakin love that movie! if you havent seen it, go rent it. but dont expect a lollipops and gumdrops kind of movie, cause it's not, but it is excellent. one of my favorite films ever.
Goooooooood stuff.
i wonder if anybody is actually going to read this blog. sometimes i want to put something ridiculous on here like, "i have a confession, i am a hermaphrodite and i was born with a third arm growing out of my hip which i had surgically removed as a baby" just to see if anyone is paying attention. hahaha. it's not true. i swear. i am totally normal. no extra parts here. okay eww. i'm grossing myself out now.
man its late. i will probaby regret saying all this tomorrow and remove this post. 50 bucks to me if i remove this post tomorrow when i've (hopefully) gotten some sleep and come to my senses.
well...... on a serious note, i have been making plans lately. plans to move to the city of angels, or the city of demons as my father would like to call it. thats right, i will be moving to LA several months after i graduate from this hell hole that they often call college. i think this might be my busiest and most stressful semester yet. i have SO SO many things to do and zero motivation. zeeeeeeeero. this is just a means to an end for me because i dont plan on going into the field that i am majoring in. smart, huh? well, i can't live a life that i'm not passionate about. i refuse.
anyways, i am very restless and apathetic lately. but at the same time, these next few months will be the last time i get to see a lot of my friends for..... who knows how long, not to mention my beloved family. as much as i am going to LOVE living in LA, i am going to miss my family, especially my mom, like crazy. i dont know how i'm going to do it. but i really want to enjoy my time with them before i dont get to see them for months on end. but its so hard. i soooo want to be done with school. i will be happy when summer gets here and i get the best of both worlds- no school and time with friends and family. YAY. Here i am with my mother. isn't she cute and funny? haha i know, i know. that's where i get it.
well, i'm getting slightly tired. praise the Lord.
what do you think is the grammatically correct word for insomniacal? i can't find any matches in merriam-websters dictionary. but i'm declaring it a word. it is a word in kristin's dictionary.
insomniacal- (adv) one who behaves like an insomniac.
speaking of words and dictionaries and letters, this reminds me of a funny story. the story of the one of the best pick up lines i have ever received..... this is what this guy said to me while we were working one day:
"In my alphabet, K is the first letter!"
Ha! how great is that one? very creative. i have to hand it to him.
well shoot. i was hoping i'd be tired after all this typing. those keyboards, they will wear you out.
but no! i'm not tired yet.
so, my roommate tells me i had a sneezing attack last night around 1 am.
haha. really? really really? i sure dont remember that i told her. you see, i have been known to have sneezing attacks in the past, but only when i have been changing my nose ring and it gets turned around the wrong direction and makes me sneeze. but i know i didn't change my nose ring last night. and you'd think you'd remember it if you had a sneezing attack in your sleep. but i dont know... do you think its possible to sleep through a sneezing attack? pretty unlikely if you're a light sleeper like myself. but i guess you never know.
in other news, we talked about the movie Gone Baby Gone in my media ethics class today and it reminded me of how much i freakin love that movie! if you havent seen it, go rent it. but dont expect a lollipops and gumdrops kind of movie, cause it's not, but it is excellent. one of my favorite films ever.
Goooooooood stuff.i wonder if anybody is actually going to read this blog. sometimes i want to put something ridiculous on here like, "i have a confession, i am a hermaphrodite and i was born with a third arm growing out of my hip which i had surgically removed as a baby" just to see if anyone is paying attention. hahaha. it's not true. i swear. i am totally normal. no extra parts here. okay eww. i'm grossing myself out now.
man its late. i will probaby regret saying all this tomorrow and remove this post. 50 bucks to me if i remove this post tomorrow when i've (hopefully) gotten some sleep and come to my senses.
well...... on a serious note, i have been making plans lately. plans to move to the city of angels, or the city of demons as my father would like to call it. thats right, i will be moving to LA several months after i graduate from this hell hole that they often call college. i think this might be my busiest and most stressful semester yet. i have SO SO many things to do and zero motivation. zeeeeeeeero. this is just a means to an end for me because i dont plan on going into the field that i am majoring in. smart, huh? well, i can't live a life that i'm not passionate about. i refuse.
anyways, i am very restless and apathetic lately. but at the same time, these next few months will be the last time i get to see a lot of my friends for..... who knows how long, not to mention my beloved family. as much as i am going to LOVE living in LA, i am going to miss my family, especially my mom, like crazy. i dont know how i'm going to do it. but i really want to enjoy my time with them before i dont get to see them for months on end. but its so hard. i soooo want to be done with school. i will be happy when summer gets here and i get the best of both worlds- no school and time with friends and family. YAY. Here i am with my mother. isn't she cute and funny? haha i know, i know. that's where i get it.
well, i'm getting slightly tired. praise the Lord.
Monday, February 23, 2009
i want to change the world, instead, i sleep...
i just spent the last 30 minutes crying my eyes out as i watched a walk to remember.
haha. seriously! it used to be my favorite movie back in highschool and i hadn't watched it in years, but it seems to get my every time. i think i cry at different parts every time i watch it though, which is interesting, but i guess it impacts me in different ways every time i see it.
its a little cheesy in some parts, i know that, but i still think its an incredible story. and while there are many ways in which i dont want to be like the character of jamie in the story, there are alot of ways in which i'd love to be like her! i wish i were as strong a person as she was. to not care what people thought of me. to be bold about my faith. and to change people's as i inspire the greatness in them. i hope that one day i can be that kind of person.
there is a great song by ingrid michaelson that always gets me.
"a storm is coming, but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...
i want to change the world, instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do i keep breathing now...."
somedays i look at my life and i think, wow, i am such a mess.
i dont know how i am ever going to make a difference.
but i have faith that God can use me in much greater ways than i could ever imagine.
as jamie says in a walk to remember, "maybe God had a bigger plan for me than i had for myself."
haha. seriously! it used to be my favorite movie back in highschool and i hadn't watched it in years, but it seems to get my every time. i think i cry at different parts every time i watch it though, which is interesting, but i guess it impacts me in different ways every time i see it.
its a little cheesy in some parts, i know that, but i still think its an incredible story. and while there are many ways in which i dont want to be like the character of jamie in the story, there are alot of ways in which i'd love to be like her! i wish i were as strong a person as she was. to not care what people thought of me. to be bold about my faith. and to change people's as i inspire the greatness in them. i hope that one day i can be that kind of person.
there is a great song by ingrid michaelson that always gets me.
"a storm is coming, but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...
i want to change the world, instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do i keep breathing now...."
somedays i look at my life and i think, wow, i am such a mess.
i dont know how i am ever going to make a difference.
but i have faith that God can use me in much greater ways than i could ever imagine.
as jamie says in a walk to remember, "maybe God had a bigger plan for me than i had for myself."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
I think maybe I think too much.
The other day I was talking with a good friend of mine and we were discussing our future and our goals and dreams and about how we want to change the world but don't know how and blah de blah... and suddenly it occurred to me,
"Am I over thinking this?!" So I aksed my friend if she thought we thought too much and she said she'd rather think too much than too little. I think that sounds like a good plan.
So I've just been continuing in my endless quest for deep thought. It seems to be what I do best. And I have been doing a lot of it lately. I seem to have a lot of things on my mind these days- a lot of really important things because this is a really important time in my life. I'm about to make some serious decisions about my future and I want to make sure they are well thought out!
Here are some reoccurring thoughts of mine:
1) I don't belong here. "Here" meaning a lot of things: Oklahoma. OBU. The theater. This earth....
For years I've felt that I was made for something different, somewhere different, but I had no idea where. I've finally found that place, but I can't be there yet and it kills me. I'm stuck here for now and I'm trying to make the most of it, but my heart belongs somewhere else and everyday I wish I could be there instead. Somedays I'm just sick of it all and I think I'd rather die and go to heaven than put up with this meaninglessness any longer.
2) Going to LA last year might have been my best AND worst idea ever!
For so many years of my life, I felt like I was walking around aimlessly, without any real purpose or destiny. I felt like I was just.... there. But what's the point of being somewhere if you're not doing anything? And what's the point of doing something if your heart isn't in it?
Well, when I went to LA, it's as if something inside of me snapped into place. Finally I realized where I was supposed to be, and it was the last place I expected. I feel like I was taught growing up that if you want to follow God, there are only certain things you should do with your life. There is a box that you must not step outside of, or especially dream about stepping outside of. Well, coming to LA, I learned that God has no boxes. Hello! Of all people to have limitations, why would God? And although many Christians seem to view Hollywood as some kind of danger zone that's off limits to all of us "righteous" people, I believe quite the opposite. I may agree in some respects that much of Hollywood is full of people who are very lost, but if this is true, then why on earth would we stay away from these people? That's the stupidest idea ever. Honestly, I believe that Hollywood needs people who are real and who have integrity and if anyone is going to get through to them, it is going to be with love. And I believe that is my calling. That is the only thing I know. But it's a start.
Well, when I discovered all of this last year, I felt like someone had finally woken me up. Woken me up to this incredible calling, one full of excitement and adventure and many ups and downs I'm sure, but with so many rewards. Discovering this God-given destiny for my life was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever encountered. I felt like someone set my soul on fire. It was great.
But when I had to come home, things started to go downhill. I tried to tell myself to be happy and to enjoy being with my family and friends again, but it was still hard. I felt like someone snatched all my dreams away from me. Like the kid in the cafeteria who got his lunch money stolen on pizza and popsicle day. It was devastating!
And now I've been home for almost a year and every day my dream and my "destiny" fade further and further away. I think I've become very jaded because I feel like I have no purpose here and I can't wait to get back out to LA, and yet, I don't even know how soon that will be. I'm stuck here, living in small town Oklahoma, going to a school I don't like, taking really difficult classes that I hate, learning material I'm not going to use, working a dead-end job that sucks the life out of me.
So, going to LA last year might have been the worst idea because it woke me up to the possibility of this incredible life I've always dreamed of, only to abruptly thrust me back into this monotonous reality, a life of sleepwalking. It showed me what I was capable of and then took away my ability to try.
3) The other thought that keeps flowing through my mind is "how can I ever make a difference?"
I was raised in church and taught from a young age that there is a God who loves me, died for me, and wants to save me. Once I understood my need for him, and accepted him into my heart, I was taught that my purpose in life is to share God's love with others.
Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong.
This has been the most difficult thing in the world. I believe in God with all my heart and truly believe that he has changed my life, so why is it so difficult to tell people about that? I don't know.
But if I do believe that God has changed me then I think that my words shouldn't be all that necessary but rather my actions. People should be able to see something different in me- some sort of love and grace and humility and honesty and faithfulness- but do they?
My biggest fear is that I will never be any different than the rest of the world. Sadly, I think that so many Christians take this idea way too far and turn it into some ridiculous excuse to condemn other people for their "sin."
That is the last thing in the world I want to do and I think being known for hating others is the completely opposite of what Christ wanted to be known for.
So, it is my life's goal to learn how to love people the way Christ loved us. And to love in a way that makes people notice a difference in me and wonder what on earth could compel me to do the things I do. They may call me crazy, but I'd rather be ridiculed for living a worthy life than fit into a world of selfishness and vanity and pride.
Now the question is, how do I combine these things? How do I work in Hollywood and be different? Is it even possible to make a difference there? And if it is, am I capable of doing it? I'll never know until I try....
"Am I over thinking this?!" So I aksed my friend if she thought we thought too much and she said she'd rather think too much than too little. I think that sounds like a good plan.
So I've just been continuing in my endless quest for deep thought. It seems to be what I do best. And I have been doing a lot of it lately. I seem to have a lot of things on my mind these days- a lot of really important things because this is a really important time in my life. I'm about to make some serious decisions about my future and I want to make sure they are well thought out!
Here are some reoccurring thoughts of mine:
1) I don't belong here. "Here" meaning a lot of things: Oklahoma. OBU. The theater. This earth....
For years I've felt that I was made for something different, somewhere different, but I had no idea where. I've finally found that place, but I can't be there yet and it kills me. I'm stuck here for now and I'm trying to make the most of it, but my heart belongs somewhere else and everyday I wish I could be there instead. Somedays I'm just sick of it all and I think I'd rather die and go to heaven than put up with this meaninglessness any longer.
2) Going to LA last year might have been my best AND worst idea ever!
For so many years of my life, I felt like I was walking around aimlessly, without any real purpose or destiny. I felt like I was just.... there. But what's the point of being somewhere if you're not doing anything? And what's the point of doing something if your heart isn't in it?
Well, when I went to LA, it's as if something inside of me snapped into place. Finally I realized where I was supposed to be, and it was the last place I expected. I feel like I was taught growing up that if you want to follow God, there are only certain things you should do with your life. There is a box that you must not step outside of, or especially dream about stepping outside of. Well, coming to LA, I learned that God has no boxes. Hello! Of all people to have limitations, why would God? And although many Christians seem to view Hollywood as some kind of danger zone that's off limits to all of us "righteous" people, I believe quite the opposite. I may agree in some respects that much of Hollywood is full of people who are very lost, but if this is true, then why on earth would we stay away from these people? That's the stupidest idea ever. Honestly, I believe that Hollywood needs people who are real and who have integrity and if anyone is going to get through to them, it is going to be with love. And I believe that is my calling. That is the only thing I know. But it's a start.
Well, when I discovered all of this last year, I felt like someone had finally woken me up. Woken me up to this incredible calling, one full of excitement and adventure and many ups and downs I'm sure, but with so many rewards. Discovering this God-given destiny for my life was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever encountered. I felt like someone set my soul on fire. It was great.
But when I had to come home, things started to go downhill. I tried to tell myself to be happy and to enjoy being with my family and friends again, but it was still hard. I felt like someone snatched all my dreams away from me. Like the kid in the cafeteria who got his lunch money stolen on pizza and popsicle day. It was devastating!
And now I've been home for almost a year and every day my dream and my "destiny" fade further and further away. I think I've become very jaded because I feel like I have no purpose here and I can't wait to get back out to LA, and yet, I don't even know how soon that will be. I'm stuck here, living in small town Oklahoma, going to a school I don't like, taking really difficult classes that I hate, learning material I'm not going to use, working a dead-end job that sucks the life out of me.
So, going to LA last year might have been the worst idea because it woke me up to the possibility of this incredible life I've always dreamed of, only to abruptly thrust me back into this monotonous reality, a life of sleepwalking. It showed me what I was capable of and then took away my ability to try.
3) The other thought that keeps flowing through my mind is "how can I ever make a difference?"
I was raised in church and taught from a young age that there is a God who loves me, died for me, and wants to save me. Once I understood my need for him, and accepted him into my heart, I was taught that my purpose in life is to share God's love with others.
Sounds easy enough, right?
Wrong.
This has been the most difficult thing in the world. I believe in God with all my heart and truly believe that he has changed my life, so why is it so difficult to tell people about that? I don't know.
But if I do believe that God has changed me then I think that my words shouldn't be all that necessary but rather my actions. People should be able to see something different in me- some sort of love and grace and humility and honesty and faithfulness- but do they?
My biggest fear is that I will never be any different than the rest of the world. Sadly, I think that so many Christians take this idea way too far and turn it into some ridiculous excuse to condemn other people for their "sin."
That is the last thing in the world I want to do and I think being known for hating others is the completely opposite of what Christ wanted to be known for.
So, it is my life's goal to learn how to love people the way Christ loved us. And to love in a way that makes people notice a difference in me and wonder what on earth could compel me to do the things I do. They may call me crazy, but I'd rather be ridiculed for living a worthy life than fit into a world of selfishness and vanity and pride.
Now the question is, how do I combine these things? How do I work in Hollywood and be different? Is it even possible to make a difference there? And if it is, am I capable of doing it? I'll never know until I try....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
the strangest dream i've had in weeks
so, i had this really bizarre but hilarious dream last night (melissa, i thought you'd appreciate this).
i'm in this big warehouse, and there are about 50 of us.... "prisoners" being put to work there.
in the middle of the room is a huge, oval shaped contraption. i'm not sure what to call it or how exactly to describe it. it was like those baggage claim conveyor belt things at the airport that spin around, except that this machine was taller and had spinning stoves on top of it.
on top of each stove was a skillet and as the machine would spin around, the other prisoners and i would run around it, all the while, rushing to make and flip pancakes on the spinning stoves.
but these werent just regular old pancakes. these were coca-cola pancakes!
haha, now, before you go dismissing this dream as some kind of strange fantasy in the world of a coke-addict, let me explain to you the anxiety and disgust behind this coke-cake making!
i dont know why we were being held prisoner or why on earth they thought the proper punishment for us would be to make us run in circles making pancakes with coke poured all over them, but this was definitely a punishment! it was not appealing in any way, but was more like some strange torture device.
well, i dont remember much more about this strange dream, but i remember being scared because i kept getting yelled at to flip my coke-cakes. maybe i was burning them. i dont know. haha. but it was a pretty frightening ordeal!
i think it would be really funny to find one of those dream interpreters and have them tell me what this dream means. i dont know how anyone could ever turn such a crazy, random dream into something insightful but it sure would be interesting to see what they'd come up with! haha.
i'm in this big warehouse, and there are about 50 of us.... "prisoners" being put to work there.
in the middle of the room is a huge, oval shaped contraption. i'm not sure what to call it or how exactly to describe it. it was like those baggage claim conveyor belt things at the airport that spin around, except that this machine was taller and had spinning stoves on top of it.
on top of each stove was a skillet and as the machine would spin around, the other prisoners and i would run around it, all the while, rushing to make and flip pancakes on the spinning stoves.
but these werent just regular old pancakes. these were coca-cola pancakes!
haha, now, before you go dismissing this dream as some kind of strange fantasy in the world of a coke-addict, let me explain to you the anxiety and disgust behind this coke-cake making!
i dont know why we were being held prisoner or why on earth they thought the proper punishment for us would be to make us run in circles making pancakes with coke poured all over them, but this was definitely a punishment! it was not appealing in any way, but was more like some strange torture device.
well, i dont remember much more about this strange dream, but i remember being scared because i kept getting yelled at to flip my coke-cakes. maybe i was burning them. i dont know. haha. but it was a pretty frightening ordeal!
i think it would be really funny to find one of those dream interpreters and have them tell me what this dream means. i dont know how anyone could ever turn such a crazy, random dream into something insightful but it sure would be interesting to see what they'd come up with! haha.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
you can try to ignore valentines day, but it will still leave you alone
Walking around, head in my hands
Wish on a star and breathe if I can
Because I’m choking on lies
You told me enough
But I’d take them some more
If you’d walk back through the door
Cause I miss you love
And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love
Multi-colored dreams are all that I have
Because my reality is enough to make a girl go mad
I keep on telling myself
I’m gonna rise above
But this thorny crown
Well it’s weighing me down
I miss you love
I was your princess for so long
But it all went wrong
I miss you love
My eyes bear the weight of your smile
I’d just love to hear you talk for awhile
And take me back in those familiar arms
Without the unnecessary charms
Baby I think we could get it all back
Even make up all that it lacked
Just tell me I’m your girl
And that you’re still in love
Because you made me complete
From my head down to my feet
I miss you love
And I need to feel
Like I’m a part of something real
I miss you love
(Miss You Love- Jessica Harp)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
90's child
so... i did absolutely nothing productive tonight. i had a lot of homework and studying that i should have done. but instead, me and my roommate rented this movie called "wish upon a star."
it was a lovely little blast from the past because this movie, made in 1996, used to air quite often on the disney channel and i remember watching it all the time! haha.
so, we watch the movie, and then we get started talking about the music in the movie, and next thing i know, i'm looking up the artists and i'm making my latest mix cd: the old school mix 2 (the best of the 90's).
well, i am one of those people that takes the task of making a mixed cd very seriously. if you're not going to make it good, why make it at all?! that is my personal opinion. plus, i believe mix making is an art... it requires creativity and balance, and i'm not trying to brag, but i think i'm pretty good at it. and i spend a lot of time on it.
so ya. i spent like 4 hours making this new cd. and i am quite proud of it! its got some really good music, but most of it is very 90's. it takes me back to the old gymnastics days.... i used to listen to the radio 4 hours a day at practice when i was in elementary so i knew all the hits. haha. probably more than i do know.
anyways, if you want to check out my playlist, hop on over to my infinite playlist blog and it will be posted for all to see!
it was a lovely little blast from the past because this movie, made in 1996, used to air quite often on the disney channel and i remember watching it all the time! haha.
so, we watch the movie, and then we get started talking about the music in the movie, and next thing i know, i'm looking up the artists and i'm making my latest mix cd: the old school mix 2 (the best of the 90's).
well, i am one of those people that takes the task of making a mixed cd very seriously. if you're not going to make it good, why make it at all?! that is my personal opinion. plus, i believe mix making is an art... it requires creativity and balance, and i'm not trying to brag, but i think i'm pretty good at it. and i spend a lot of time on it.
so ya. i spent like 4 hours making this new cd. and i am quite proud of it! its got some really good music, but most of it is very 90's. it takes me back to the old gymnastics days.... i used to listen to the radio 4 hours a day at practice when i was in elementary so i knew all the hits. haha. probably more than i do know.
anyways, if you want to check out my playlist, hop on over to my infinite playlist blog and it will be posted for all to see!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Memory.... it's a cruel, cruel thing.
Life is funny....
The way that we fall... The wounds we receive along the way...
And how they seem so terrible at the time, but are soon forgotten as time passes us by.
Then it's funny how random little things make us remember them.
I was washing my face tonight and as I was looking in the mirror, I noticed this scar at the top of my forehead, a scar that I've forgotten about for so many years. And suddenly I was replaying the memory in my head- I was in elementary and I was playing outside with my friends at the courtyard at our church. This girl was pulling me in a wheelbarrow and she was running really fast. But suddenly, for some reason, she decided to let go of the handle and it swung back and hit me right in the head. I remember seeing my mom walk outside to pick me up right as this was happening, and I remember being excited to see her, but in an instant, all my joy was replaced with fear and horror as blood gushed down my head.
What a vivid memory. And yet I had forgotten about this moment for 5, 6, 7 years....
That, of course, is an example of a physical wound, but so many times we receive deep emotional pain that scars us for years. And as time goes by, we heal. But its strange how you could have moved on from a past relationship or something along those lines, but then you run into the guy somewhere, or you see a movie with a guy that looks a lot like him, and suddenly you remember the pain like it happened just yesterday.
Memories are kind of a cruel thing sometimes. As much as you want to forget certain things, you just never will. And while there are some memories that are wonderful and full of joy, memories that we would all love to hold onto forever, there are also some very dark, painful memories that never go away.
And as I sit here typing this, I'm asking myself what you might be wondering as well, "What are you getting at?" Haha, you know.... I'm not quite sure. This is all just a thought that popped into my head twenty minutes ago when I saw that scar on my head.
But, you know, the more I think about, the more I am thankful for the incredible gift of memory. Even though it often brings a recollection of pain, it also brings deep joy and peace and love, and it brings insight, which is perhaps the greatest quality. It teaches us powerful lessons and helps us grow..... pretty sweet if you ask me.
The way that we fall... The wounds we receive along the way...
And how they seem so terrible at the time, but are soon forgotten as time passes us by.
Then it's funny how random little things make us remember them.
I was washing my face tonight and as I was looking in the mirror, I noticed this scar at the top of my forehead, a scar that I've forgotten about for so many years. And suddenly I was replaying the memory in my head- I was in elementary and I was playing outside with my friends at the courtyard at our church. This girl was pulling me in a wheelbarrow and she was running really fast. But suddenly, for some reason, she decided to let go of the handle and it swung back and hit me right in the head. I remember seeing my mom walk outside to pick me up right as this was happening, and I remember being excited to see her, but in an instant, all my joy was replaced with fear and horror as blood gushed down my head.
What a vivid memory. And yet I had forgotten about this moment for 5, 6, 7 years....
That, of course, is an example of a physical wound, but so many times we receive deep emotional pain that scars us for years. And as time goes by, we heal. But its strange how you could have moved on from a past relationship or something along those lines, but then you run into the guy somewhere, or you see a movie with a guy that looks a lot like him, and suddenly you remember the pain like it happened just yesterday.
Memories are kind of a cruel thing sometimes. As much as you want to forget certain things, you just never will. And while there are some memories that are wonderful and full of joy, memories that we would all love to hold onto forever, there are also some very dark, painful memories that never go away.
And as I sit here typing this, I'm asking myself what you might be wondering as well, "What are you getting at?" Haha, you know.... I'm not quite sure. This is all just a thought that popped into my head twenty minutes ago when I saw that scar on my head.
But, you know, the more I think about, the more I am thankful for the incredible gift of memory. Even though it often brings a recollection of pain, it also brings deep joy and peace and love, and it brings insight, which is perhaps the greatest quality. It teaches us powerful lessons and helps us grow..... pretty sweet if you ask me.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
i feel like, i would like, to be somewhere else doing something that matters
Wow. I look like a huge dork, don't I?!
Well, at the time, I didn't care. Because I was so excited about my future that nothing else really mattered. I took these pictures right after I found out I got accepted to the LA Film Studies Center in fall 2007. I was so excited because I felt like I was about to take off on this this crazy adventure full of excitement and purpose. It was a great feeling, and it turned out to be just that- one of the most exciting experiences of my life.
And I miss it. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but life has not been very good to me since I've been back. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm in a very good place lately. And mostly, that's because I feel like I have no purpose here. Each day just feels like this monotonous cycle of meaningless tasks. I'm so sick of it.
The sad thing is that I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do to get out of this rut I'm in. It's not that simple. I want to do what God wants me to do but I also want to do something compelling and interesting.... something that I'm passionate about and I can't seem to figure out how those things go together. Maybe I just need to find more passion...... or love God more.... I don't know. All I know is I'm tired of this phase of my life. I know I was made for much more than this but I just don't know what that means. But I really hope I figure it out soon because all this nothingness is sucking the life out of me.
I want to get that incredible feeling of excitement back. I want to feel free to make crazy faces and do ridiculous things just because I'm so glad to be alive.
Friday, January 23, 2009
i'm a long shot, baby. that's all.
ohhh my gosh. i am so exhausted, i dont know why i'm still up! i must be crazy, but i couldn't resist the urge to write a ten random facts blog about myself! haha... okay. i am crazy. but this is my wind-down for the night. after i finish, i'll go to sleep, i promise!
TEN RANDOM FACTS OF THE DAY! (January 23, 2009)
1. I locked my keys in the car today for the first time in like... 4 years! I had a good run...
2. I had a huge chemistry test today... it is not one of my many talents, so let's hope i passed!
3. For dinner, or lupper perhaps- since it was at 4:30, I ate a sandwich from this awesome place called Jersey Mike's! It was delish.
4. I'm currently listening to "Gavin's Song" by Marc Broussard. And I think I am in love... with his voice. It is so.... I can't even think of a word good enough to describe how great it is. It's so soothing.
5. I may be a fantasy dork, but I am kind of obsessed with this new show I discovered last weekend. It's called Legend of the Seeker. It's like.... Lord of the Rings meets Harry Potter meets Robin Hood meets Twilight. It's fantastic. And the lead guy in it... gorgeous. Craig Horner. IMDB him! Haha.
6. The subject line of this blog is a quote from the song "Heaven Knows(I'm a Long Shot)" by one of my favorite bands- Enation. It's a really great song and it really describes the way I feel lately...
7. The sole of my right work shoe is dangerously close to coming off. It's been like that for awhile now and for some reason, I keep forgetting to buy some new shoes. Today I attempted to glue it back together... with that silly washable gel glue that you use back in 1st grade art class. That's all I could find! Haha. And it didn't work. At all...
8. In my chemistry lab today, my prof gave us a syringe of some gas and he was like, "be really careful with this, okay?" And so we start doing our experiment and sure enough, it only took us a minute or two to release the toxic gases into the air. It was kind of funny though. Everyone was like, "Oh no, my head hurts! It must be from the gases I enhaled!" and I'm like, "Ooo ya.. my teeth kind of hurt. It must be the gas!" its just funny how people freak out about stuff.
9. One year ago, I was living in Los Angeles. I was probably down in Santa Monica or perhaps cruisin down hollywood blvd. I probably had just started my internship about this time a year ago. that makes me really sad.
10. I am not very thrilled about the current state of my life, school plus dead-end job.... not every little's dream. in fact, i think work is sucking the life out of me and taking away all my dreams in the process. But I'm just trying to stay joyful.
TEN RANDOM FACTS OF THE DAY! (January 23, 2009)
1. I locked my keys in the car today for the first time in like... 4 years! I had a good run...
2. I had a huge chemistry test today... it is not one of my many talents, so let's hope i passed!
3. For dinner, or lupper perhaps- since it was at 4:30, I ate a sandwich from this awesome place called Jersey Mike's! It was delish.
4. I'm currently listening to "Gavin's Song" by Marc Broussard. And I think I am in love... with his voice. It is so.... I can't even think of a word good enough to describe how great it is. It's so soothing.
5. I may be a fantasy dork, but I am kind of obsessed with this new show I discovered last weekend. It's called Legend of the Seeker. It's like.... Lord of the Rings meets Harry Potter meets Robin Hood meets Twilight. It's fantastic. And the lead guy in it... gorgeous. Craig Horner. IMDB him! Haha.
6. The subject line of this blog is a quote from the song "Heaven Knows(I'm a Long Shot)" by one of my favorite bands- Enation. It's a really great song and it really describes the way I feel lately...
7. The sole of my right work shoe is dangerously close to coming off. It's been like that for awhile now and for some reason, I keep forgetting to buy some new shoes. Today I attempted to glue it back together... with that silly washable gel glue that you use back in 1st grade art class. That's all I could find! Haha. And it didn't work. At all...
8. In my chemistry lab today, my prof gave us a syringe of some gas and he was like, "be really careful with this, okay?" And so we start doing our experiment and sure enough, it only took us a minute or two to release the toxic gases into the air. It was kind of funny though. Everyone was like, "Oh no, my head hurts! It must be from the gases I enhaled!" and I'm like, "Ooo ya.. my teeth kind of hurt. It must be the gas!" its just funny how people freak out about stuff.
9. One year ago, I was living in Los Angeles. I was probably down in Santa Monica or perhaps cruisin down hollywood blvd. I probably had just started my internship about this time a year ago. that makes me really sad.
10. I am not very thrilled about the current state of my life, school plus dead-end job.... not every little's dream. in fact, i think work is sucking the life out of me and taking away all my dreams in the process. But I'm just trying to stay joyful.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
two thousand WHAT?
wow. another year has gone by already? so weird. i am getting so old, i feel like such an old lady sometimes. an old lady that stays up till 3am and has dance parties with her friends. hahaha.
so.... new years eve. as usual, it was... interesting. i am usually working or snowed in with the family in colorado or something like that, but this year i was home and completely available so i was forced to come up with some actual plans. shoot. what am i going to do with myself, i wondered.
well, i kept coming up with ideas and they all kept falling through. that always seems to happen to me, its really frustrating, but oh well, that's life.
i decided to stop trying to make big, exciting plans for new years eve and instead to just hangout with my dear friend sarah. so that is what i did!
we didn't do anything super exciting, but i had fun! we went to this old people party and had dinner, played a little trivial pursuit. it made us feel like ignorant fools, but hey, thats always fun, right? "what is the capital of Tunisia? i dont know... i've never heard of it!" great way to begin a new year. ha.
so... we went back to sarah's around 930 and ate snacks and listened to old records on her freakin cool record player! it was great! we had a dance party to the beatles, simon & garfunkle and cat stephens. it was fantastic.
i decided to be a party-pooper and head home around 1130 since i have to work in the morning... or in a few hours. haha. but ya, i was going to try to go to bed early. it was worth a shot, even if i failed miserably.
anyways, i was in my car driving home when the clock struck 2009. i believe i was belting out "City" by Sara Bareilles right around midnight. its a good song. a little sad though. not sure what that means. hopefully it doesnt mean this is going to be a sad year. i am all for the happiness in my life.
well, 2008 was a little bit of a roller coaster... i'm hoping that 2009 will be full of excitement and adventure and joy and hope and accomplishment. Dear God, give me a purpose this year and make me strong enough to fulfill it.
the end. or.... the beginning.
so.... new years eve. as usual, it was... interesting. i am usually working or snowed in with the family in colorado or something like that, but this year i was home and completely available so i was forced to come up with some actual plans. shoot. what am i going to do with myself, i wondered.
well, i kept coming up with ideas and they all kept falling through. that always seems to happen to me, its really frustrating, but oh well, that's life.
i decided to stop trying to make big, exciting plans for new years eve and instead to just hangout with my dear friend sarah. so that is what i did!
we didn't do anything super exciting, but i had fun! we went to this old people party and had dinner, played a little trivial pursuit. it made us feel like ignorant fools, but hey, thats always fun, right? "what is the capital of Tunisia? i dont know... i've never heard of it!" great way to begin a new year. ha.
so... we went back to sarah's around 930 and ate snacks and listened to old records on her freakin cool record player! it was great! we had a dance party to the beatles, simon & garfunkle and cat stephens. it was fantastic.
i decided to be a party-pooper and head home around 1130 since i have to work in the morning... or in a few hours. haha. but ya, i was going to try to go to bed early. it was worth a shot, even if i failed miserably.
anyways, i was in my car driving home when the clock struck 2009. i believe i was belting out "City" by Sara Bareilles right around midnight. its a good song. a little sad though. not sure what that means. hopefully it doesnt mean this is going to be a sad year. i am all for the happiness in my life.
well, 2008 was a little bit of a roller coaster... i'm hoping that 2009 will be full of excitement and adventure and joy and hope and accomplishment. Dear God, give me a purpose this year and make me strong enough to fulfill it.
the end. or.... the beginning.
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