Can I Have Your Attention, Please?

Yesterday, I went to an awards ceremony for the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters. They had a student broadcasting contest and I had placed 2 entries in it. One was a tv show pilot I wrote called "Outside the Box." The other was a tv show intro and scene excerpt I produced based on my script. Neither of them even placed.

Overall, my school won 14 awards. Some of my classmates took 4 awards on their own. I got zero.

And as I sat there, watching my classmates go up on stage to receive their awards, I started to feel depressed. I feel like my whole life I've been searching for that thing.... that special talent of mine. That quality of mine that deserves recognition. But I keep coming up short. Honestly, I don't feel like I really have any special talents. I used to think that writing was my strong suit, but apparently that wasn't any good either. And now I really don't know what I'm good for.

As the afternoon dragged on, I felt crappier and crappier. After the awards, one of my professors was going down the line, congratulating everyone for their various awards. When he came to me, he goes, "Well, I think your script was okay." And then he laughed, and went on to the next person. That made me pretty mad. I mean, regardless of the quality of my script, he didn't have to be so insensitive about it, but when it's all said and done, maybe I am too old to have people sugar coating things for me. Maybe my script really did suck. Maybe that's the sad reality of things.

Well, I had a two hour drive back home after the awards which gave me plenty of time to throw all these depressing thoughts around in my head. I was riding with a classmate and he didn't want to sit in silence the whole way back, so I talked to him, pretending to care, but mostly, I was just smiling and nodding as I tried to sort through the thoughts inside me.

After an hour or so of feeling sorry for myself, it suddenly occurred to me... from childhood, we are taught that life is about making something of yourself. It's about winning awards, achieving special honors, being recognized for your greatness. It's all about ME. It's in our nature.

And this voice inside me began to say, "You know this isn't what life is about at all." Life isn't about awards, and it certainly isn't about recognition. It shouldn't be about us at all, but let's be honest, that's just what we've always believed. That's all we know... how to live for ourselves. How to make something of ourselves.

And not that I don't think we should make something of ourselves, of course we should. Of course we should work hard, of course we should use our talents for greatness. But when we start using them in hopes of gaining recognition and attention, that's when we start to get off track.

To be quite honest, it kind of makes me sad to think that maybe I really don't have any special talents. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll never be that kid that goes up on stage and accepts all those awards. But maybe God is trying to tell me that it's okay. Maybe I need to stop being bitter and just learn to use the things that God has given me. Maybe I'm not super smart or artistic or whatever, but I've got one thing, LOVE.

I hate to sound cheesy, but love is the most important gift we could ever give. Instead of being so concerned about ourselves and the recognition we can receive from being talented and successful, maybe we should be more concerned with the lives we can touch simply by loving others. Maybe that is actually our true purpose in life and somehow we lost sight of it somewhere along the way.

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains.
The art of LOSING MYSELF in bringing you praise."
(Hillsong, "From the Inside Out")

For the last several years, I have been thinking and dreaming about being an actress. I'll admit, sometimes I let myself get lost in these daydreams where I'm this big celebrity, on the cover of magazines, walking the red carpet, etc, etc. And it's not that I think those things will make me happy, but they do sound exciting, they do sound fun, and who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want to be adored? We all do.

But I think I'm learning to let all of that go. I still want to be an actress, I think it's what I'm meant to do, but that doesn't mean I'm called to live a life of attention and recognition. I might not ever "make it" but at least I will be doing what I love. And hopefully, in the process, I can learn to look outside of myself and love the people around me. Maybe that should be my goal. Not to grace the cover of InStyle or to win and Oscar or to even walk a red carpet, I think my goal should just be to live and to love. I think that is the path toward real joy in life. And so many people lose sight of it.

"For he who is the least among you all--he is the greatest."
-Luke 9:48