i'm a plane in a sunset, with no where to land

so......... i had a pretty bad day today. actually i've been having a lot of bad days lately. i have been so stressed with school that i have seriously comtemplated dropping out.... halfway through the last semester of my senior year. sounds pretty ridiculous, but thats how bad its been for me.

its really hard to explain why i'm so stressed, but basically, i'm working my butt off to earn a degree that i dont plan on using. to add to all of that, i keep experiencing one disaster after another with all of these projects i have to do for class. and i'm overwhelmed and i'm frustrated because i keep praying that God will give me strength to get me through all of this and that he will make everything go smoothly for me because i am trying my best. and yet, the disasters keep coming. and i dont understand why God is allowing it. i really dont.

i experienced yet another disaster today working on a project that i was supposed to turn in at 2, but obviously that didn't happen and i was so angry. because i dont even want to be doing this. lately, i really dont even care about graduating. i would much rather quit and escape the madness. and i spent most of my class zoned out planning my escape, any escape, drop out of school, transfer to another school and pick a better major, etc, etc. all of these ideas seemed good at the time. haha. although they are all really bad ideas to be honest. but thats how much i want out of this. i feel like i should be getting paid for going to college, not the other way around! its insane!

anyways, i was so overwhelmed and still angry when i got home from class that i ate an early dinner and went to bed (haha, not a good idea if you plan on sleeping that night). but at the time, i just didn't feel like doing anything. i didn't know what to do next, i didn't want to stress myself out trying to come up with some ridiculous strategy for redoing my video, i just didn't even want to think or try to avoid thinking by engaging in some meaningless activity such as movie-watching or facebooking, so i decided just to go to sleep. drown out the noise.

well, i cant say that i felt completely refreshed when i got up a few hours later, but i felt a little better. and after some conversations with my parents--conversations that consisted of me being angry and bitter and my parents pretty much telling me, i know your frustrated but you have to do this or you'll regret it one day, so pull yourself together--i began to sort through the madness in my head.

i didn't come up with a whole lot of answers really. except that my parents are right. this is hard, so so hard and so so frustrating, but seriously, am i going to let myself get defeated or am i going to push through the pain and save myself from making a decision that i would probably regret for the rest of my life? am i going to keep being angry with God for allowing all of these troubles to arise and get me down all the time or am i going to trust that there is a reason for all of this? i think it all comes down to faith....

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

we can choose to believe God or we can choose to do it our own way and try to handle everything on our own. i know what my choice is.

well, overall this semester has been really..... trying. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. its so scary to be graduating from college and having to decide what to do next. to be about to turn 22. there's no turning back now, you're officially an adult and the pressure is on. you better get your life together! haha. but i was listening to a song earlier today that goes so well with all of the things i'm going through right now. so, i know this blog has been long, but i just have to include these lyrics, it would be wrong not to.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

("Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot)